looming shadows

I have come to terms with the fact I am not the nicest person a long, long time ago. This being said, "Hey you rude, pushy, selfish, attention whore-knock it off."

Wow that was liberating. At least I blogged it and didn't cause a situation, yay me! :)

Moving on.

I have been using this blog more lately which means one of two things: I feel the need to talk to myself more frequently or I am feeling down. I have a feeling it is a bit of both. You know I have nothing to feel down about lately, but when you battle that anxiety and darkness from adolescence it just seems to show up from time to time. So, I accept it. I don't like it, but I accept it.
Maybe it is surfacing, because I am missing 'home' (yes I just used the term 'home' to endear Youngstown, Ohio...crazy, eh?) or maybe it is my fear and anxiety about starting my real big girl job this year. I don't know, but it is hot and I'm moody and don't feel like dealing with your BS today people...outta my way! haha. No really. ;-)

I do get to spend some time with my nephew today, which is always good. We are going to go out to see him this evening for some late evening poolside fun. I don't ever have to worry about putting a bathing suit on in front of him, because he always thinks I look great! :) I love that kid.

I miss my Faith Ann (yes Ann, deal with it name changer!) We have been through so much together and I know through our arguements and disagreements (not that there is really too many of those) and life in general she is my rock and my foundation who has never judged me for being me. I could say the most ridiculous things, discuss personal issues and just be myself-good and bad-and she remains there, always. It is hard having her so far away.

OK I'm done-abruptly done.

I have a ton of stuff.

Well, I cleaned off my desk today and found out that I just cannot bring myself to get rid of certain things. Even though it literally pains me and stresses me out to have stuff all over the place. I have a ton of kindergarten and preschool stuff that I just can't part with. I also have a ton of pictures and thank you cards from the preschool I taught at in Ohio that I can't bear to part with. I am moving some stuff into my classroom next week, but the amount of stuff just doesn't seem to ever get smaller. I had the urge to throw everything away today, but once I actually got it to the trash I had a change of heart with some of it. Some of this stuff, as I have referred to it, is being donated to the Head Start program that I briefly worked for out here. The other stuff, well it is being creatively arranged to fit in the closet and in boxes. We are not planning any children, yet we have no room for us in a three bedroom home?!?! All of our combined stuff equals a ton of creative hiding and fake organizing.

That being said...

I don't know if anyone knows someone who collects these items or not, but here it goes...

As a little girl I collected Cherished Teddies figurines. I loved them! I saved up to buy them and requested certain ones for holidays from family members. I cataloged them and looked up the retired figurines and what they were worth. It gave me a sense of innocence and responsibility. Now they sit, by the hundreds, in boxes in my garage. I looked at what they might sell for on the internet and of course they are not worth anything like I had once imagined they would be. It pains me to part with them, but I just think it would free up so much room and make my husband very happy to have them out of his garage space. I want them to go to a good home with a little girl that will love them as much as I did and still do. It is like giving away a piece of my childhood that was happy and sweet in one nice quaint little box; make that twenty nice quaint little boxes. I guess I may not be entirely OK with the idea of giving them away just yet, but I know I shouldn't hold onto such material things as an adult, especially since they take up a ton of room. Anyway, just a thought I'm toying with.

It has finally caught up with us...living on one income for the summer. We are finally at the point of, "uh-oh time to get creative with the bill paying" for the summer since I have not had a paycheck since the first week of June. I am glad that our mortgage situation is taken care of and my student loans are being deferred until the consolidation process is completed. I am nervous about starting the new school year and knowing that I will need to buy items for my classroom. Oh well, the life of the middle class, blue collar couple. I am lucky to have a job at all and knowing I will soon be receiving a paycheck again is comforting. I am super antsy about getting in my classroom and checking it all out and cannot wait until Monday when I am able to do so.

Just a stress reliever blog about my clutter. :)

to kid or not to kid...? Still on my mind.

Although everyone is probably tired of hearing about this...I see more and more babies and pregnant people everywhere and since it has been the hot topic for me and Jeff I am still thinking about it. Mostly because of the guilt I feel.

Well Jeff and I have talked extensively about having children. I feel incredibly guilty for not wanting them when I thought that I wanted them before we were married. I feel like I am not allowed to change my mind so I need to justify every angle of why I do not want to have children. I know we would both make amazing parents, but I just don't feel it is what is right for me and my life. I know I shouldn't have to rationalize the reasons, but I do it all the time over and over again because of this guilt. Jeff is the victim in this decision, I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. I know he has told me he sometimes feels he wants them and sometimes does not, but I do not want him hating me ten years from now or carrying around misplaced anger. I am glad he is choosing to stay with me regardless of the child issue. I love him.

I changed my mind. Yes, I did. Part of me thinks-I am totally allowed to change my mind whenever I want! The other part thinks-wow I'm a total jerk for changing my mind-how dare I?

What I do know for sure is that I absolutely hate it when people make the assumption that since I am a married adult of a certain age I am going to surely want children and be trying any time now. Don't assume it people. Also, don't tell me that I just have to have kids-I have to, because you just think it is what I am supposed to do. Well hey when you want to raise my child financially and be my live in nanny and permanent babysitter-oh yeah and birth it-then you can tell me I just have to have a baby. F-that. Mind your own business and stop telling me what I have to do. This is a matter between my husband and I. If he is accepting this than you need to as well.

I will spare my long list of cons in the child bearing/raising dept. However Like I have stated before:

I LOVE children-being around them, teaching them and being an active Aunt to my nephews and new little niece. I like being the one who does all the fun stuff and then gives them back.

I do want to take this moment to show great appreciation and recognition to the amazing mothers that are in my life, including my own. I have so many friends that are amazing mothers. They are all beautiful, strong, loving and compassionate women. You rock ladies!

Will I regret it one day-maybe, but for now I am not that interested in the idea. I can't predict the future. If I could predict the future I'd be a millionaire, but I still wouldn't have kids. I might consider adoption-maybe. Maybe. I said maybe people.

I'm just incredibly thankful that my husband hasn't left me over this change of heart. I couldn't imagine life without him, but I know he has always wanted children. Like I said he has played with the idea of not having them recently, but I still think he would in a heartbeat if I wanted them. I just don't want him to have regrets in the future...I can't predict the future. He is amazing and I am so lucky that he accepts me and all my faults.

I am a huge fan of having dogs instead...lots of dogs. Right now we cannot expand our doggie family due to Blu having a case of the Cujo, however our future consists of travel, friends and family, and dogs.

Children are for people who can't have dogs. I heard that somewhere and I liked it. I think I may get it on a sign and hang it on my door.

The second part of our vacation blog...

...

We were able to spend time with Tim, Melissa and the boys as well. It seems like far too much time passes in between visits, but we enjoy every minute of our time together. We were able to wacth one of Gavin's baseball games before heading over to the campgrounds. He did a GREAT job and it was so cool to see him play. I loved cheering him on in the stands. We were also able to see my sister in law's sister who is also like family for us and her two boys who have also grown so so much. When we arrived at the camp ground Gavin taught me how to drive a golf cart, in the dark none the less. A very brave boy to take on that task! Then I enjoyed some time on the swing set with Melissa and Brycen and Gavin...well I thought it would be enjoyable. The company was great, but the swinging gave me nausea. Not like I remember it as a kid. It was just good to spend time talking and joking around with the boys. I still can't believe how big they are! Later that evening at the camp Jeff decided to drink 22 beers in the course of two-three hours, so that became entertaining. He was just goofy all night-cracked us all up actually. The next day I had a minor set back in my mental stability after speaking with my mortgage company-things were sorted out from what I understand, but it was a very frustrating conversation. Anyway, when we said our goodbyes to the family we headed back to Faith and Kyle's house before our party in the park. We reserved a cabin in Millcreek Park and invited all of our friends and family around to come join us for our last night in Youngstown. The turn out was great and we enjoyed being able to see everyone one more time before heading out the next day. We were even able to see some people that we hadn't been able to see yet on our trip which is always nice. Jared and Courtney, Kevin and Lisa, Jarrod, and Kenny and Melissa were among a few that we hadn't been able to spend time with that were able to make it out. Then Jeff decided to wife swap me for Melissa B. haha-I don't think it would fair trade-she is much more laid back than I! I guess you had to be there for that one. Tim, Melissa and the boys even surprised us by skipping Gavin's game to come out and see us. It was really great to see all of those people under one roof.

We left there and journeyed back to Columbus Ohio where we promised to go with the boys (Kaleb, Anthony and Karter) to an indoor water park before we had to leave. It was a blast! I cannot stress enough how amazing it is to see family and friends and how much I enjoyed this trip. This blog is not as detailed as my first edition since I am posting it so late, but words cannot express how great everything was. I did really miss my dog though. :)

A very long blog of our vacation so far

So the trip begins in Las Vegas.

I have been anticipating my trip back east for some time now. So far it has been more than fulfilling. Our vacation started in Las Vegas where we were able to meet with Amanda and Dustin for dinner and drinks at the Mirage. We enjoyed some fun times with them and headed back to our room for some rest before our early flight. Our flight was a nonstop flight into Columbus, Ohio. I was able to read the entire book Water for Elephants on the way; A sad, but amazing story of the lives of circus workers and life in general during the 1930’s era of traveling train circus acts. It documented the abuse of the workers and animals and also told a great love story. I highly recommend this book. On the way back I will indulge in the latest book from the Alex Cross series by James Patterson so I can finally discuss it with my Dad!

Back to vacation

We arrived In Columbus and we were met by Jess and Kaleb and Anthony. It was so amazing to see them and be greeted by family with hugs and smiles. We stayed in Newark at my brother’s house with his fiancé and the boys, Jess-Kaleb-Karter-Anthony. We were also sharing a space with the dogs, Jetta-Venus-Reign. It was so amazing to just sit back and absorb the family atmosphere and talk and play with the boys. Brother was more than accommodating and cooked up a storm. When we walked in the door he had already had dinner ready to go; stuffed rigatoni with homemade sauce and fresh pecorino romano cheese. I knew immediately that I was going to enjoy this trip! Delicious! During our trip Jess had finished her current semester of classes and ended her clinicals with amazing results! We drank to her accomplishments and had a great time chatting and playing family feud! Jess was hilarious and fall down drunk form one margarita! Did I mention I adore this girl? The next night was spent visiting with an amazing old friend and catching up on years passed. Jen is a childhood friend that I have known since I was pre kindergarten age. She was like a big sister to me growing up and a person I looked up to and still do. She is an amazing person with a great set of morals and values and I am so thankful that I was able to see her and catch up on life in general.

We soon began our trip in the rented Chevy HHR to Youngstown, Ohio. While making the three hour drive I began thinking about how far I have come and how much I have accomplished. I also thought of my friends and family. I miss them all of the time when I am away. I am SO thankful that my brother lets Anthony stay with us in the summer while he is still young enough to enjoy it. Soon he will be at the in between age where he will be bored. I am also very thankful that my brother takes time every year to drive down to visit with the entire crew around the holidays. I am so proud of him and his family. At the time I am typing this we have not yet had a real visit with my other family, brother Tim and sister Melissa and the boys Brycen and Gavin. I am anticipating our visit with them and the short time we saw them so far was shocked by how much the boys have grown. I can’t believe Brycen was only a toddler when Jeff and I started dating. I remember holding Gavin when he came home from the hospital. I held him for the first time on the couch like a child sitting and holding him nervously afraid he might break and using the couch to help me brace him; I was 19. They have grown into their own little people now and it seems like they should still be little kiddos to me.

Seeing Faith and Kyle and their daughter was such an experience for me. I can hardly believe my friend, who is very much my sister in this life, has her own beautiful daughter. I could have cried with happiness holding that little child. She is the essence of precious and I am so thankful to have been able to hold her and visit with Faith. The friendship and comfort of familiarity were much needed.

Jeff and I feel the same way about friends; we take them on as family and trust and care for one another in a family way. We do what we can for each other whenever we can and do not expect anything in return other than a mutual caring friendship. We have been very lucky to have such amazing friends far and near and to create new friendships in Arizona as well. There is nothing like reconnecting with old and loved friends and family members. It makes me appreciate life and where it has taken me and where it will lead me.

We stayed with Curt and Carla and had an amazing time as well. Jeff has been friends with Curt for more years than he can count and it was a great and overdue visit. We enjoyed a few games of bowling while drinking (the only way to really bowl) and competed in not the score of the game, but in rounds we titled with such things as “best grandma form,” “Best Moonwalk Down the Lane,” “Best Chicken dance Down the Lane,” “Best Gangsta Strut Down the Lane,” and “Best Split.” Great times and great pictures to come on FB. I enjoyed our time there with Curt and Carla and their family of four legged children.

Speaking of children…

Jeff and I have been talking about this topic a lot lately, mostly about adoption and other options. One of these options is to not have children at all. As surprised as I am that Jeff seriously considers this an option, I have realized I think I could be happy not having children. I love working and spending time with children and believe that Jeff and I would make great parents, but I also think I would be perfectly content as an Aunt and a teacher. If we do decide to have children I would much prefer adoption. While I know Jeff struggles with all of these options more than I do, he actual had a serious discussion with me involving not having children even though he would make an amazing father. Sometimes we feel that we would rather have dogs and enjoy our lives being able to travel during our time off and travel and spend time with each other and with our family in other states including spending more time being an active Aunt and Uncle to our slew of nephews and new niece. It would be great to see them more than every few years. We discussed how we love being with children, but really love our off time and giving them back. I know so many of our friends and family try to tell us that we need to have children and that we should have at least two and that we…blah blah blah. Our life; our decision. Just because we would make awesome parents and love children doesn’t mean we need to have one or five or however many. Children are not right for everyone. Maybe they aren’t for us. Fortunately we still have a few years to decide. We have time to think about our options and decide what we feel is best for us. We will take the time to decide what we want, but currently either not having children or adopting are my two personal favortie options. Time will tell.

We have enjoyed spending time with Faith and Kyle, Brother and crew, Bill and family, Kelly, The Wilson bunch, Jen, Curt and Carla, Chris and Jim and Jess; our short visit with Kenny at KIA and wish we could have seen him and Melissa. We wish we had more time to see more people. We are excited to see more family over the next two days as well. Vacation has been much needed and very enjoyable so far and there is more to come. The traveling Jackson circus in the HHR is on its way to the next destination-The Jackson’s in North Jackson. Keep an eye out, we may be coming to a town near you! We are hoping to make it back to Columbus at a decent time on Saturday. Hoping; fingers crossed. J Looking forward to our Friday afternoon/evening shin dig at the Old Log Cabin at Millcreek Park. 4-midnight! The last hurrah, for now!

***Currently spending time with Tim, Melissa, Brycen and Gavin out at the camp. I will post more on our time with them later. ***

Toronto

We left our friends and headed to Toronto Ontario, Canada. After our 6 hour drive we arrived at our amazing hotel that offered free wi/fi, fridge, microwave, coffee pot, breakfast and other amenities that helped us make a quick decision that 6 hours in a car deserved an extra night’s stay. So we immediately checked in and added a night to our stay. As pricey as Canada is to visit, we wanted to make the most of it and enjoy our trip while trying not to think about money. It has been hard, but I have the rest of my life to worry about finances. The room was not only fully loaded, but incredibly clean and comfortable. Toronto is a beautiful city that practices many ‘green’ techniques. There was actually a timer light system in the bathroom so that if you left the light on it would automatically shut off after 15 minutes. Since I normally follow people around and turn lights off behind them, I loved this! Locals were riding their bicycles around the city and there were recycling and conservation centers around the city. Lots of people walking and many of them with their canine companions; I could get used to this city! They have multiple recycling bins near every trash can as well as by crosswalks and along sidewalks making it easy to be green. They passed a law that requires the country to charge 5 cents per plastic bag at any shops, restaurants or retailers. Most people had their reusable bags ready and full. Canada is a beautiful country and I wish the USA would take a few pages from their book. The city was clean and quiet, yet rich with culture. We drove through little Italy, Little Portugal and China Town and all areas of downtown seemed to remain clean and lacked the typical pan handlers and homeless people that most big cities have.

The people throughout Ontario were incredibly friendly and very patient and helpful. It made me think about kindness more. Perhaps these people seemed to be in such a good mood, because everyone is pleasant to each other? I understand that this is not always the case, but I will say we were there for 3 days and 2 nights and every single Canadian we met was outwardly friendly and happy to help us if needed. This was a nice surprise since our time in Youngstown any establishment we went into the service was terrible and the people rude. Oh home…lol.

After check in we decided to get ready and go to dinner. We ate at an amazing Italian ristorante that had fantastic service and THE ABSOLUTE BEST Italian food I have ever put in my mouth. It was run by all Italians and everything was made from scratch on site. I had the gnocchi in a four cheese cream sauce with a few red peppers and mushrooms. We ordered the brushetta to start and we were both raving over all of the flavors that hit our tongues. It was so rich and flavorful I could have ordered just that-by the case. J After recovering from our amazing dinner experience we headed out to find the bar and restaurant Wayne Gretsky’s in downtown Toronto. We had our first experience with paying to park in Canada; everywhere in the city is pay to park. This first time we were only charged ten dollars. I thought that was bad until the next day when we spent thirty dollars at one place and then another twelve at the harbour. We had a few bottles of Molson Canadian and checked out all of Gretsky’s authentic memorabilia as well as a few of his trophies, pictures of his family and old junior league jerseys. He even has his own wine label (BONUS!). All of the proceeds from Gretsky Estate Vineyard go directly to his foundation to help children learn and partake in the sport of hockey. We followed the pathway upstairs to the rooftop terrace bar with patio couches, trees, lights and water fall. It was beautiful and relaxing up there. We walked around downtown for a while before deciding to head back to the room and unwind. I was so excited to have wi/fi! Communication with the world! I Posted a few of our many vacation pictures on Facebook. Oh yes and did I mention the awesome candy bars that are hard to find in the US? -Canada has ‘em! We indulged on Mars bars, Bounty, Wunderbar, and some other ones I can’t remember. J Mars is like a milky way and Bounty is pretty much a mounds bar. It was awesome anyway!

The next morning after breakfast we headed to “The Great Hall” – The Hockey Hall of Fame. It was the purpose behind our trip and it was worth every bit of money and travel time spent. I cannot say enough about the amazing exhibits on all of the historic inductees as well as the NHL Zone featuring memorabilia from today’s current players as well. I personally enjoyed the exhibits on Maurice ‘the rocket’ Richard, Guy Lafleur, Gretsky, Bobby Orr and, of course, Mario Lemieux among others. I learned quite a bit about historic hockey players and the history of the game and how it has evolved. It was truly educational for me and amazing. We were very fortunate, because the Stanley Cup Final had just ended a very short time ago and the new home of The Cup, Chicago, was not yet on display so we were able to view the Stanley Cup champion displays from last year which were the Pittsburgh Penguins! Seeing actual gear worn by the best players on the team during the finals last year was truly a wonderful experience. We also saw every medal from the Olympic games for hockey up to the late 90’s. It was great to see how the medals differed every year. We also viewed the trophy room where we were able to see all of the NHL Trophies before they were shipped off to the NHL Awards 2010 to be with their new owners and receive their new engravings. We entered the vault where the original Stanley Cup is housed and took pictures with the replica of the current cup. It was amazing to me that these trophies were actually held high by some of the best athletes in the sport and in the world.

After leaving the hall of fame we grabbed a bite to eat; I had an amazing falafel with hummus and fresh baked pita chips. Not only is Canada very green in practice, but it has a great respect for culture and for vegetarianism. Did I mention I love this country? Too bad it is a very pricey place to live and visit-taxes are high due to universal healthcare-I LOVE IT!

We headed to the harbour to catch a ride on a very large authentic sail boat. We sailed for an hour and a half on Lake Ontario and the day couldn’t have been better for sailing; Breezy and not hot or humid with decent cloud coverage. A beautiful day! I enjoyed a glass of cabernet while Jeff had a domestic, Sleeman’s I believe. We took in the view of the Toronto city sky line and enjoyed the day. Later we ate at a little bar down the street from our hotel and shared a pitcher of Canadian. I was so incredibly exhausted on this day-I think the trip just caught up with me. I almost didn’t go to eat I was just drained. Glad I did go to eat though. It was nice to share this experience with Jeff and now we can look back on our time there together.

All in all, our vacation home to Ohio has been an amazing trip and we still have a few days left. I will come home and be happy to see my dog and my house as well as my family and friends in Arizona, but not my scale. I have definitely gained a few pounds back and have been eating a lot of pasta and bread as well as sodium rich foods which have caused me to retain a bit of water and swell. Oh well, I will worry about it when I get back! I will hit the p90x for the second round and kick ass again! Haha.

Well my positive upswing seems to be lasting, which is a great thing, I typically tend to be negative. Since the news of keeping my home was delivered to me I have tried very hard to stay positive and love life more. For me this means trying my hardest not to stress and treating people, including myself, better. Staying healthy and being stronger both physically and emotionally has become more important to me. My husband and I are really working together and treating each other well, I am enjoying the time I have to speak with new and old friends and I am feeling OK again about living in this town that I am not all that keen on.
I have also received a job interview with the school district here in Kingman. I will update as to how that turns out. I don't want to get too excited until it is over and I have an answer as to if, where and when I will be employed there.
I find myself missing family still and friends far away. This is when I try to focus hard on this new found positivity in my life. It easy for me to become immersed in depression; for reasons or for none at all. I am focusing on my spirituality and will be performing a house blessing for my newly saved home to dispell any prior negativity that was found here and lingered. Keeping it uncluttered and clean helps me as well to stay less stressed and irritatable.
I am thankful for my husband and his ability to be so stable. I am thankful for new friends that I have made here that I can talk to and relate to. These things have been helpful in maintaining a positive mind set.

I am feeling like I grew up way too fast lately.

I feel like yesterday I was a rebellious teenager walking the halls of my high school. I am actually a late twenty-something with a home and a husband that uprooted myself to move a few thousand miles from the comfort of familiarity. We have been married for very close to four years and living here for almost the same.
My dearest oldest friends are having babies and my new and dear friends here are also having babies and adding to their families. It is so wild to me the idea of growing up.
I thought it was mind blowing when we were all moving away and making our own decisions to branch out to other cities and states. Then there was proposals and marriages and I thought, "this is huge." Now my best friend has had her first child; a beautiful baby girl, Elyse. All I think now is, "when did we grow up?"
I am feeling emotional and sentimental missing family and friends; it comes with the territory of moving to another time zone. I can't believe I couldn't be there for the pregnancy and to share this with her, but I plan on making up for it with spoiling her from afar.
My nephews are growing faster than weeds and it is also very hard for me to think of how much I have missed with them. I went from helping care for Anthony on a daily basis to - BOOM - he is five and starting kindergarten next year. I am very fortunate that I am able to see him at least twice a year though when he stays in summer and when my brother and his soon to be wife and the whole crew of kiddos makes their yearly trip out here to visit by car. I have the biggest time loss with my nephews Brycen and Gavin that I have gone the most time without seeing. Last time we were able to come for a visit I cried when I saw their picture on the wall. I went from seeing them almost everyday to every other year at best. They are older and therefore much busier with activities and life and are harder to track down and chat with. When Jeff and I started dating Brycen was just a toddler and Gavin - not on this planet yet. Some days it just hits me more than others. Now I have two more nephews to add to the family with Kaleb and Karter. I am finding myself missing them as well and look forward to seeing them on their visits here.
I am still not the most content in Kingman, but We have a home and friends here now and we also have jobs. Mine may not be the best job or the one I set out for, but it is a job working with children again. I hope to one day move somewhere different again, but for now I have some of my family close by and a place to call home that I love. I am fortunate enough to have my parents and two Aunts and Uncle close by including all of the family visitors that are here throughout the year. While we can't afford to travel right now and are finally getting things in order with our home, it is nice to have family close.
For now we are trying to prepare for the summer months when I am again without a paycheck and we must make it through almost three months. Oh the lives of the low-middle class. :) At least I have some kind of job. That is truly something to be thankful for!