to kid or not to kid...? Still on my mind.

Although everyone is probably tired of hearing about this...I see more and more babies and pregnant people everywhere and since it has been the hot topic for me and Jeff I am still thinking about it. Mostly because of the guilt I feel.

Well Jeff and I have talked extensively about having children. I feel incredibly guilty for not wanting them when I thought that I wanted them before we were married. I feel like I am not allowed to change my mind so I need to justify every angle of why I do not want to have children. I know we would both make amazing parents, but I just don't feel it is what is right for me and my life. I know I shouldn't have to rationalize the reasons, but I do it all the time over and over again because of this guilt. Jeff is the victim in this decision, I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. I know he has told me he sometimes feels he wants them and sometimes does not, but I do not want him hating me ten years from now or carrying around misplaced anger. I am glad he is choosing to stay with me regardless of the child issue. I love him.

I changed my mind. Yes, I did. Part of me thinks-I am totally allowed to change my mind whenever I want! The other part thinks-wow I'm a total jerk for changing my mind-how dare I?

What I do know for sure is that I absolutely hate it when people make the assumption that since I am a married adult of a certain age I am going to surely want children and be trying any time now. Don't assume it people. Also, don't tell me that I just have to have kids-I have to, because you just think it is what I am supposed to do. Well hey when you want to raise my child financially and be my live in nanny and permanent babysitter-oh yeah and birth it-then you can tell me I just have to have a baby. F-that. Mind your own business and stop telling me what I have to do. This is a matter between my husband and I. If he is accepting this than you need to as well.

I will spare my long list of cons in the child bearing/raising dept. However Like I have stated before:

I LOVE children-being around them, teaching them and being an active Aunt to my nephews and new little niece. I like being the one who does all the fun stuff and then gives them back.

I do want to take this moment to show great appreciation and recognition to the amazing mothers that are in my life, including my own. I have so many friends that are amazing mothers. They are all beautiful, strong, loving and compassionate women. You rock ladies!

Will I regret it one day-maybe, but for now I am not that interested in the idea. I can't predict the future. If I could predict the future I'd be a millionaire, but I still wouldn't have kids. I might consider adoption-maybe. Maybe. I said maybe people.

I'm just incredibly thankful that my husband hasn't left me over this change of heart. I couldn't imagine life without him, but I know he has always wanted children. Like I said he has played with the idea of not having them recently, but I still think he would in a heartbeat if I wanted them. I just don't want him to have regrets in the future...I can't predict the future. He is amazing and I am so lucky that he accepts me and all my faults.

I am a huge fan of having dogs instead...lots of dogs. Right now we cannot expand our doggie family due to Blu having a case of the Cujo, however our future consists of travel, friends and family, and dogs.

Children are for people who can't have dogs. I heard that somewhere and I liked it. I think I may get it on a sign and hang it on my door.