accountability is a bitch

We build our own destiny. We choose our path-it is not predetermined it is our conscious choice every step of the way.

Being an adult means making choices and holding yourself accountable for them. Sometimes, I hate accountability; sometimes I hate adulthood. lol.

Sometimes we make these choices without all the facts or with misinformation. In those cases our choices often come back to bite us in the ass, but ultimately it was still OUR choice. I knew becoming a teacher would put me into a never ending debt of student loans. I knew that after working full time and attending part time for 9 years upon graduation I could end up without a job, or as is my current situation, in a job making very little. I still struggled through it and finished with highest honors and make little money, but I love my job. It was a decision I made and it was worth every struggle. I made this decision with the knowledge that I will work weekends and 10-12 hour days and not be compensated for them. I made this decision knowing that I would disagree with many of the politics associated with working in education. I made this decision knowing that children need someone that cares more about their benefit than their paycheck. It was my decision. I still bitch about my low pay and lack of appreciation, but I will never act surprised-I knew the facts and I chose this. This leads me to our decrease next year. They are raising the cost of benefits and dropping my current plan so I will now be forced to pay more and have less coverage. The state of AZ has also raised state retirement. I will make around $100 less per month next year. I will be upset and bitch, but once again-not surprised. It's unfair, but it was part of my choice to work here and be a teacher.

I will again reiterate my previous home experience for the purpose of the point I am making about choices. I have blogged about this numerous times so bear with me.

I made the decision (with Jeff) to buy a home. When we made this decision we knew that Jeff would have to work two jobs to support us with our new mortgage. What I didn't know is that our home loan was not fixed and that it would balloon and our mortgage company would tell us to screw off. I assumed we could refinance our home before the balloon payments took effect. It was still my choice to buy the home and make the sacrifices to afford it. When things went south with our home and we stopped paying our mortgage I still made a choice. I chose to stop paying and, though it was EXTREMELY difficult, I chose to resign my position as a KUSD employee to finish my student teaching and get my degree knowing once that happened I would not be able to afford my ballooning payment and that we would face the high possibility of loosing our home. Part of this was a little bad luck, most of it was a choice I made with my husband. Knowing this didn't make it any easier. I was jobless (for 8 months), Jeff was no longer working two jobs and we were living off of his income-not much. Every modification that was denied was another knife in my heart. Every payment not made hurt my pride. I started to have anxiety attacks and depression. We tried like hell t figure it all out and fill out the proper paperwork. We were decieved by modification companies and mortgage lender promises. I was hateful and jealous and hurt, but it still stems back to my choice to originally purchase a home in a downward economy and know my home would decrease in value. It also stems from my choice to choose education over home. Lucky for us, our modification came through after a year of heartache on the very day we were going to sign a lease for a rental.

My choice to finish my education had finally paid off when I was offered the job with the school district. While this same choice caused struggle and hardship it ended up being the best choice. I had a recent medical issue that I didn't understand (I abstractly and briefly blogged about this last time)-I am fine. Sometimes things do happen by total chance. I choose not to share the details, but I am thankful. Sometimes things happen from just random bad luck-this is not most cases. Most things lead back on a trail of personal choices. As much as I don't want to see it that way at times, I know in my heart it is true. As the saying goes, 'life's not fair' -the biggest truth ever told. I have come to understand that when I am suffering through something, there is always someone else that has it worse. I have also come to understand that my relationships with family and friends that I have worked to gain and maintain over the years are a great support system. When it comes to our personal lives and choices some of us advertise and some of us privatize. Everyone copes differently. Everyone makes different choices-choices that they think are best for them at the time. college-choice career field-choice buy or rent-choice marriage and the work that comes with it-choice

children and the work that comes with them-choice

choices that either independently or blended together have a large effect on our lives and the path we walk.