I am woman, hear me roar!

It is always so hard to go back to work after taking time off. I just came back after a week of spring break and just keep thinking about summer break.

The real reason I write today is not about job stress, but about the stress of being a woman.

I will only have time for two of the many issues we as women are plagued with in our deepest darkest psyches.

Lets start with weight issues. No female in this world can look at their own body naked from multiple angles and say, "wow, my body is rockin' awesome! I am perfect!" If you think differently, you are a terrible liar.

This is the way we are programmed from the time we are children. Commercials, magazines, gender roles, social norms and peers drill into our minds that we must look and act accordingly to find happiness, wealth and prosperity in life and relationships.

I have battled back and forth over the years since adolescence with self image and body issues. What girl hasn't experienced this throughout their life?

"me" says the girl in the back...

"LIAR!" says I.

We partake in pills, creams, potions and surgeons in an attempt to correct all of our 'problems.' My husband asked me, "why can't you just be happy being healthy and stop worrying about your weight; I think your beautiful that is all that matters." While I thought about how sweet he was being and knowing that he should be the only one with an opinion about my image I also considered an answer to his inquiry.

Women can stop worrying about their body image when men stop buying, selling, viewing and admiring women that are the stereotypical 'perfect' woman. Start investing in big girl porn and admiring Lane Bryant catalogs and I will stop worrying about my image.

I have no issues with big girls, in fact I know a few who I envy for their beauty and personality, not one or the other. They are fun and don't give a F@#% about what anyone thinks. They have gorgeous features and intelligence. However, I know that being even 'average' in size for women can be depressing so I know that these women I find beautiful have moments of depression when examining their bodies in the mirror as well. That goes for celebrity envy as well. Think of the perfect celebrity female. I know that this person has self doubt and image issues and envies someone just as I envy her. I swear it is a sad world for us ladies!

I was thinking of this today when I found myself on the scale being mad at only losing 18 pounds and not 28. I couldn't be happy at the 18 pound weight loss I had to see more. Then I found myself criticizing my image in the mirror while wondering why I just can't lose the weight from the area I want to, instead of being happy that I lost it in the other places. So I will continue working out and never indulging in even the occasional guilty pleasure food until I see what I want to see. Of course I never will, because after 28 lbs will come the need for 35 and then 40 and so on.

I am woman hear me roar...at the scale.

Stressor number two: child birth.

I will leave you with a few random questions we women will ask ourselves and this should give you an insight into the stress. These questions go beyond the physical pain of child birth.

???

When is the right time to have a child? Am I still a real woman if I can't get pregnant? What if I am just not maternal? What if the baby is hurt while I am carrying? Does it make me less of a mother to adopt? Am I selfish for waiting? What if I can't deliver or there are complications? What about the pain? What if my significant other doesn't want children? What if I am single for another 10 years? Should I adopt or use fertilization if I am single in 10 years? What if I get postpartum depression, What about the money it takes to raise a child? What about stretch marks and weight gain? (ties into the previous stressor)

Seriously being a woman makes my head hurt. Ironically enough it also makes my back, sides, breasts, feet, neck, vagina and shoulders hurt too; at the very least once a month, but usually more.

Well we finally have it all figured out. Our modification is in the works and we are getting back on track. I have realized through this that it is time for a change.

As a result of all this madness I appreciate my home so much more. I have decided, with Jeff, that we need to stop putting off the 'to do' list for the house and start putting more work and love into our home.

Work and love are kinda expensive.

I purchased a new dining room table, four chairs, two bar stools, paint for the living room accent wall and I am in the process of hiring someone to refinish the stucco on the side of the house. We are also paying for a weeding service (in my anger of losing my home we let the weeds grow wild for the new owners-whoops) and landscaping the back yard. We are thinking of extending the patio and laying rock in the back yard. Our grand total - too much!

Thank you Visa!

I am still not a huge fan of the Kingman area, but I am thankful that we both have jobs here and that now we have a lower and affordable house payment. I am also thankful to have people here in this town that I can truly call friends. I have family here and more coming to town so I guess sticking around for awhile may not be so bad after all.

I still can't believe it is over. This whole house thing is over - finally! No more negativity for me!

I feel positive and more in touch with my spirituality through this whole ordeal. Strength and wisdom and sanity have been restored to me through all of these experiences and I thank 'them' for guiding me on my way.

WOW. What a day. I am in total disbelief.

We were set to move in to our rental and sign our lease with down payment on Monday. I have boxes at the house and was ready to start packing this weekend. I even had a last hurrah with the ladies last night to smell some candles and enjoy company in my home for the last time.

This morning I read my e-mail and things have changed on us once again. This time we actually have good news.

In my e-mail today I opened a letter from our a-hole mrtgage company. It stated that we have been approved for an in house modification plan direct through the company. This means that if we continue to make our modified payment on time for one year we will be back on track and be able to stay in our home. I e-mailed my Mom this morning

"What the fuck is this? Is it for real?"

It is. Although I have a hard time trusting it and don't want to get too excited yet, it is real.

Talk about timing.

One part of me wants to scream and yell, "Who the hell do these people think they are?" They put us through emotional hell and our family and even all of our friends that went on this ride with us. Our friends and family have been there through the whole process. They have given support and an ear to listen and a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. When we were denied repeatedly for modifications and our interest rate continued to raise over the past year beyond what we could afford these people were there with us.

As I stated in previous blogs, I am so thankful for them all. Family and friends. After this we all deserve a cookie! My brother for listening to me on my drunken anger rampages; my Mom for countless phone calls and paper work; my Dad for dealing with my foul mouth during this ordeal (not that he has any right to judge!); My husband who has been on this ride with me and dealt with my emotional insanity; and my friends both near and far, old and new, for being so supportive and amazing. We are truly lucky to know so many great people.

The other part of me wants to cry tears of joy and go on a major spending spree on things for our house. We have already discussed the landscaping, tile, stucco touch up and painting an accent wall in the living room. It's our house again and we can do whatever we want to it!

Everything is still sinking in for me. I have a hard time believing it is all real. After everything we have gone through this past year.

This economy is a great deal of trouble. Home owners and working class people losing their homes and jobs and money being cut for education and public services at the state level. This is ridiculous! I just dodged a bullet. I am one of the lucky ones.

Today is the day. We are 'showing' our house today to get approval from a rental agency. We need to be deemed worthy to rent from them. They are coming over to check out the condition of our current home and look for general damages associated with our dog. Luckily my dog does not cause damage. However, I am having a very hard time hosting someone in my house that is there to judge the way I live. Judge me to see if I am living up to their standards so I can rent a home that is not even on the same level as the one I am in. F-that.

I am still trying to cope with this.

I am now wondering what if something nicer opens up? What if we sign this rental agreement and then a fantastic rental home opens up and we miss it. I am also thinking, maybe some house pixies will magically give me my home back again.

I think I have hit the crazy stage of loss.

I know many people don't understand why losing a house means so much. After all, it's just a house right? Wrong. It's memories and a future. It's a sense of accomplishment and now a sense of failure. Failure is a fear of mine in all aspects of life. It hurts and I have to watch it in slow motion everyday until we move out and my failure sits here vacant.

I am so tired of these people blaming the homeowners for the economy and for what is going on with the millions of foreclosures. People that are not in this situation, have no idea what it is like. Some people did buy a home without the means to keep it. To those people shame on you and the lender that granted you a loan. For others, like myself and Jeff, we could keep it until the mortgage companies became desperate with greed.

The stimulus plan is a joke when it comes to housing. It helps you with an affordable payment for up to five years and then everything goes back to the way it was. That is IF, IF, you are approved. Where as once the banks would lose money on foreclosures, now they have been bailed out and receive money based on need which is determined by foreclosures.

:sigh:

I better prepare for my inspection.

...

Well next week the packing will begin. We will be looking at the last of the rental homes on our list and making a decision. It is very strange looking at homes and not feeling excitement. Every time we have looked for a new place to call home it has been exciting and fun; we have always been upgrading. This time it is sad and frustrating and the biggest emotional challenge of my life so far.

Every one we look at I think about how it compares to my home. The cabinets are not the same, the space is not the same, the way it is cut up into rooms is different and the yard is different. From colors to craftsman ship I compare every detail. I dwell on all the things I will mis about my home; the home I walked into when we were buying and said, "this is it; this is the one."

As Jeff pointed out to me, it is not my home anymore and the sooner I can recognize that the sooner I will be able to move on. The problem is it isn't that easy for me. I know we were screwed and it isn't the first time. I feel personally f-you'ed by the US government. (Imagine that right; lets start a club) I am trying to deal with this by knowing and understanding that others are in worse situations without jobs or homes and that I should feel lucky to have a job of any kind and family and friends around me to lean on. The problem is, while I know that others have it much harder, it is human nature to consider your own problems much bigger, because they are your reality and you are directly affected by them. Selfish - I know - that is just the way it is. Human nature; don't lie to yourself, you know it's true no matter how selfish it makes you sound.

The important thing for me to control is my bitterness. I must understand and remain compassionate and happy to my friends around me that have blessings in their lives right now and not be bitter and jealous. If I let that happen I know it will consume me. I am truly happy for them and wish them all the blessings in the world. Faith and her gorgeous addition to her family (due May 9) and Phil and Gena and their AWESOME new home that looks fantastic and they have poured their heart and soul into. Amanda and the return of her husband from Afghanistan safe and sound. All amazing things.

I am very thankful to have a job at all, even if it is not the one I went to school for at least I am working with children. I am also thankful that Jeff has a job and that we are together. This is just not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I thought things got better and student loans would be worth it, because college means a good, solid job in this country. Shame on me for buying into that!

More teachers have been given the boot in our local school system. Very good and high performing teachers with families, student loans, house payments and mouths to feed now have no pay check.

When did education become obsolete?

Well folks it is official; our house is on the auction list in early June.

Yes the American dream, how sweet it is, has once again paid off for us. We worked hard to make every payment on time and when they jacked up our interest rate and refused to modify our loan after over a year of 'working' with them we are now out on our asses. Fantastic.

I vacated my position to finish my education and was then unable to find a job of any kind for 8 months. I eventually took a job at a Lowe's store 50 minutes away part time to make an attempt to have an income. After gas costs and wear on the vehicle it made no real difference. We were soon unable to afford paying our mortgage anymore at the hiked rate and had to stop since the company was not willing to help us in any way. We were then scammed by a 'specialist' out of $2,000 and left with a messy trail of paperwork that no one cared about. I was finally employed in a pre kindergarten program teaching pre kindergarten skills for lower wages than I was promised. I just started that job in March. Just in time to be laid off for the summer months and again without a pay check.

Interestingly enough, my mortgage company was bought out by private investors who have their call center based out of Pakistan. Every time I call I speak with someone different and no one ever gives me the same story about my loan. They have no direct call numbers so you never who you will be speaking to; it could be "Bob," "Jill," or "Anthony" none of whom speak any English that I can understand. All of them with big broken promises of modification plans and returning my phone calls and, of course, no results.

Now my husband and I are forced to find a new place to live within the next month and a half and will be plagued with a foreclosure on our credit.

I love this country.

What a great year this has been. I hate this town and I want to go home...wherever that is.