Guess who's back? :)

Well, work has consumed me. I hate not being home, but I take so much pride in my classroom and in my job that most of the time I don't mind. I do mind not being around to see my husband more and make dinner. I also mind the fact that while my husband does clean up most times, the house needs more thorough cleanings and scrubs and it seldom gets them with both of us working etc. I have been cutting back my after school hours and making myself come home earlier (between 4-5) However, this has caused me to get a little behind on grading papers. I will go in Sunday morning to play catch up with my grade book and then hopefully I will be back on track! I was actually able to make a few meals-spicy mexican soup and chili rellano casserole. Both were delicious!
My class has been very exhausting lately. They have regressed big time! For the past week and a half it has been hell. My expectations are high, but they always have been. I have tried a few new strategies to shock their system, and today it finally seems to be slowly sinking in. Hoping by the end of next week things can be back to normal in the class again-just in time for holiday breaks.
My morning workouts have stopped and I have started gaining back some of the weight I had lost. 4am is just too much. Some days I just physically cannot get my head up. I did recently join the wellness center here and it is a great facility with great programs etc. So I am now paying for a membership which means I will force myself to use it!
We spent the past weekend in the Phoenix area and were able to take the dog with us to the hotel! It was such a great time! We went and saw the Penguins play the Coyotes and the game went into OT and a shootout! Pens won-which made it even better, of course. :)
My mortgage issues were mostly settled a few months back-now they are officially settled. No more 80/20 loan! A reduced principal and payment have finally been permanantly agreed upon and officially finalized! So I guess we will be here in Kingman awhile longer. At least we both have jobs here and more family is moving this way. It is still hard being far away from all of the people back 'home'. Now a good friend of mine is moving back to MI so I will have another friend in a far away land. :) I guess the upside is a new place to visit! I will be super sad to see her go, but very happy for her to be closer to her family and friends in MI. She has made a lasting and positive impact on me and it is great to have her as a friend, even if she is leaving me! As she would say, "RUDE!" haha-at least Jeff can visit Jake on his island. ;)
Thanksgiving is upon us. I know that the holidays are coming, because as I type this I am watching the movie Elf with Jeff. He starts watching this movie around this time of year every year and watches it at least 40 times before the new year comes around. I think between the two of us we can quote every single line in the film.
We have done Thanksgiving at our house since we moved here and bought our house, but this year it seems no one will be around to come over. It kinda sucks, since Thanksgiving is the hardest holiday for me to be away. I don't do Christmas, so my big family and friend holiday is Thanksgiving. I love fall-Halloween and Thanksgiving are my favorites! I love to cook fall foods and entertain and feed people. I miss the little traditions with friends and the big day at the brother and sister in laws with the family around and the kids.
Speaking of kids running around...
I still think often about my selfishness. My not wanting children and my husband wanting them makes me feel like the world's worst wife. I hope that it all works out in that area. :sigh:
I am looking forward to my brother's yearly holiday visit with Jess and the boys. They come visit every year and it is always so nice. Although their timing is a little off for us this year since we will not have much time off with them. They are coming before christmas this year instead of after, so it cuts my time short with them due to work. I will take what I can get though!
Well that about does it-maybe it won't take me so long to blog this time. :) Ah, life.

Well Amanda-here you go. :)

I had one reader, who shall remain nameless except that I put it in my title, that checks my blog frequently and was not happy with my lack of posting.

Well, things have been hectic to say the least.

I have been working in my classroom for the past four weeks trying to prepare for the first day of school. Stressing myself out to no end and trying to get my shit together. Spending money on my classroom and spending all of my time at the school has been stressful, but for the most part I was ready in time.

Meet the teacher night was Wednesday and I thought I might vomit on myself, however the vomiting didn't happen and I felt twelve times better once I didn't have time to think about being nervous with kids and parents parading in and out of my classroom chatting and asking questions. I have said it before and here it is again-I am so fortunate to be where I am with this job. I have had a ton of support at the school and from my friends, family and husband who has eaten nothing but hamburgers and hot dogs for a week straight. First off, the VP came down to the classroom and told me to come to his office and take as many books as I wanted for my classroom library. A parent donated some gently used books to the school and he thought of me and how I might need books for my personal collection to use with the kids. I felt so supported by this gesture and I appreciated it VERY MUCH! Second, my teacher friends, some of whom I teach with the others are from different schools, have offered me ideas and plans and help and words of wisdom. Then I have Amanda offering to cut my laminate! YAY! Not to mention her daughter that came in and begrudgingly put all of my books in the desks. What an awesome helper she was, even if she would rather have Mrs. Olli as a teacher than me. lol In this field support is needed from you peers and family and friends in order to be successful. You can't just be a good teacher and make it. You need support. At least I do.

The first day of school was fast! The kids came in and before I knew it they were leaving. Everyone went home on the right buses and that was that. I already know who my "difficult cases" will be and who will be my responsible ones. I am very nervous about starting my first full week of school and diving in to the curriculum head first. It should be interesting. Starting centers and reading chapters and math etc. I should be very busy for awhile. Thank goodness my husband understands this and doesn't mind eating mac-n-cheese for awhile. :) I wake up at 5:30 and do not get home until 5:00. I know this will eventually get better, but I feel like there is always so much that has to be done. I am constantly finding things that I could prep or organize. It will get better and easier, right?

I am finally a big girl with a big girl job and I don't know that I love it yet. I hate that I could possible face failure and that I am totally accountable for everything that takes place, or doesn't take place, in my classroom. I am anxious to see where my kids fall come testing time and who will be my high kids and my kids that need extra help. Hopefully all of my kids show progress. We shall see.

It has been a great summer; visiting family and friends back east, going to Canada, having parties here and going to and having cook outs with friends here in AZ, and family coming out to visit and spending time with them! Having Anthony is always great and then my brother came to stay with us as well and it was a blast. My cousin came out and we had a great time too. I am truly so fortunate to have had such an amazing turn of luck over the past few months. I have a good life; I can't complain. I do, but truly I shouldn't.

I think of how negative and depressed I was in high school and I just laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. I had a great upbringing and a great family. My friends have been few, but close and so supportive and important. There were times I staggered through darker places just to see what it was like. Odd what we do as teenagers when we are trying to find ourselves. I am so thankful for what I have. I can't believe I am an adult now and in my late twenties.

The children talk has come up again and sometimes I think maybe I would regret it, but I still don't think that children are for me. I just hope that Jeff doesn't regret it and feel hurt one day. I love him and do not want him to be resentful or sad later. He says he wi is fine with it, but I wonder sometimes.

Time to spend some time grocery shopping and cleaning, since I am never home during the week anymore to do it. I better get out my crock pot cookbook for Jeff so he doesn't have to have mac n cheese again. :)

looming shadows

I have come to terms with the fact I am not the nicest person a long, long time ago. This being said, "Hey you rude, pushy, selfish, attention whore-knock it off."

Wow that was liberating. At least I blogged it and didn't cause a situation, yay me! :)

Moving on.

I have been using this blog more lately which means one of two things: I feel the need to talk to myself more frequently or I am feeling down. I have a feeling it is a bit of both. You know I have nothing to feel down about lately, but when you battle that anxiety and darkness from adolescence it just seems to show up from time to time. So, I accept it. I don't like it, but I accept it.
Maybe it is surfacing, because I am missing 'home' (yes I just used the term 'home' to endear Youngstown, Ohio...crazy, eh?) or maybe it is my fear and anxiety about starting my real big girl job this year. I don't know, but it is hot and I'm moody and don't feel like dealing with your BS today people...outta my way! haha. No really. ;-)

I do get to spend some time with my nephew today, which is always good. We are going to go out to see him this evening for some late evening poolside fun. I don't ever have to worry about putting a bathing suit on in front of him, because he always thinks I look great! :) I love that kid.

I miss my Faith Ann (yes Ann, deal with it name changer!) We have been through so much together and I know through our arguements and disagreements (not that there is really too many of those) and life in general she is my rock and my foundation who has never judged me for being me. I could say the most ridiculous things, discuss personal issues and just be myself-good and bad-and she remains there, always. It is hard having her so far away.

OK I'm done-abruptly done.

I have a ton of stuff.

Well, I cleaned off my desk today and found out that I just cannot bring myself to get rid of certain things. Even though it literally pains me and stresses me out to have stuff all over the place. I have a ton of kindergarten and preschool stuff that I just can't part with. I also have a ton of pictures and thank you cards from the preschool I taught at in Ohio that I can't bear to part with. I am moving some stuff into my classroom next week, but the amount of stuff just doesn't seem to ever get smaller. I had the urge to throw everything away today, but once I actually got it to the trash I had a change of heart with some of it. Some of this stuff, as I have referred to it, is being donated to the Head Start program that I briefly worked for out here. The other stuff, well it is being creatively arranged to fit in the closet and in boxes. We are not planning any children, yet we have no room for us in a three bedroom home?!?! All of our combined stuff equals a ton of creative hiding and fake organizing.

That being said...

I don't know if anyone knows someone who collects these items or not, but here it goes...

As a little girl I collected Cherished Teddies figurines. I loved them! I saved up to buy them and requested certain ones for holidays from family members. I cataloged them and looked up the retired figurines and what they were worth. It gave me a sense of innocence and responsibility. Now they sit, by the hundreds, in boxes in my garage. I looked at what they might sell for on the internet and of course they are not worth anything like I had once imagined they would be. It pains me to part with them, but I just think it would free up so much room and make my husband very happy to have them out of his garage space. I want them to go to a good home with a little girl that will love them as much as I did and still do. It is like giving away a piece of my childhood that was happy and sweet in one nice quaint little box; make that twenty nice quaint little boxes. I guess I may not be entirely OK with the idea of giving them away just yet, but I know I shouldn't hold onto such material things as an adult, especially since they take up a ton of room. Anyway, just a thought I'm toying with.

It has finally caught up with us...living on one income for the summer. We are finally at the point of, "uh-oh time to get creative with the bill paying" for the summer since I have not had a paycheck since the first week of June. I am glad that our mortgage situation is taken care of and my student loans are being deferred until the consolidation process is completed. I am nervous about starting the new school year and knowing that I will need to buy items for my classroom. Oh well, the life of the middle class, blue collar couple. I am lucky to have a job at all and knowing I will soon be receiving a paycheck again is comforting. I am super antsy about getting in my classroom and checking it all out and cannot wait until Monday when I am able to do so.

Just a stress reliever blog about my clutter. :)

to kid or not to kid...? Still on my mind.

Although everyone is probably tired of hearing about this...I see more and more babies and pregnant people everywhere and since it has been the hot topic for me and Jeff I am still thinking about it. Mostly because of the guilt I feel.

Well Jeff and I have talked extensively about having children. I feel incredibly guilty for not wanting them when I thought that I wanted them before we were married. I feel like I am not allowed to change my mind so I need to justify every angle of why I do not want to have children. I know we would both make amazing parents, but I just don't feel it is what is right for me and my life. I know I shouldn't have to rationalize the reasons, but I do it all the time over and over again because of this guilt. Jeff is the victim in this decision, I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. I know he has told me he sometimes feels he wants them and sometimes does not, but I do not want him hating me ten years from now or carrying around misplaced anger. I am glad he is choosing to stay with me regardless of the child issue. I love him.

I changed my mind. Yes, I did. Part of me thinks-I am totally allowed to change my mind whenever I want! The other part thinks-wow I'm a total jerk for changing my mind-how dare I?

What I do know for sure is that I absolutely hate it when people make the assumption that since I am a married adult of a certain age I am going to surely want children and be trying any time now. Don't assume it people. Also, don't tell me that I just have to have kids-I have to, because you just think it is what I am supposed to do. Well hey when you want to raise my child financially and be my live in nanny and permanent babysitter-oh yeah and birth it-then you can tell me I just have to have a baby. F-that. Mind your own business and stop telling me what I have to do. This is a matter between my husband and I. If he is accepting this than you need to as well.

I will spare my long list of cons in the child bearing/raising dept. However Like I have stated before:

I LOVE children-being around them, teaching them and being an active Aunt to my nephews and new little niece. I like being the one who does all the fun stuff and then gives them back.

I do want to take this moment to show great appreciation and recognition to the amazing mothers that are in my life, including my own. I have so many friends that are amazing mothers. They are all beautiful, strong, loving and compassionate women. You rock ladies!

Will I regret it one day-maybe, but for now I am not that interested in the idea. I can't predict the future. If I could predict the future I'd be a millionaire, but I still wouldn't have kids. I might consider adoption-maybe. Maybe. I said maybe people.

I'm just incredibly thankful that my husband hasn't left me over this change of heart. I couldn't imagine life without him, but I know he has always wanted children. Like I said he has played with the idea of not having them recently, but I still think he would in a heartbeat if I wanted them. I just don't want him to have regrets in the future...I can't predict the future. He is amazing and I am so lucky that he accepts me and all my faults.

I am a huge fan of having dogs instead...lots of dogs. Right now we cannot expand our doggie family due to Blu having a case of the Cujo, however our future consists of travel, friends and family, and dogs.

Children are for people who can't have dogs. I heard that somewhere and I liked it. I think I may get it on a sign and hang it on my door.

The second part of our vacation blog...

...

We were able to spend time with Tim, Melissa and the boys as well. It seems like far too much time passes in between visits, but we enjoy every minute of our time together. We were able to wacth one of Gavin's baseball games before heading over to the campgrounds. He did a GREAT job and it was so cool to see him play. I loved cheering him on in the stands. We were also able to see my sister in law's sister who is also like family for us and her two boys who have also grown so so much. When we arrived at the camp ground Gavin taught me how to drive a golf cart, in the dark none the less. A very brave boy to take on that task! Then I enjoyed some time on the swing set with Melissa and Brycen and Gavin...well I thought it would be enjoyable. The company was great, but the swinging gave me nausea. Not like I remember it as a kid. It was just good to spend time talking and joking around with the boys. I still can't believe how big they are! Later that evening at the camp Jeff decided to drink 22 beers in the course of two-three hours, so that became entertaining. He was just goofy all night-cracked us all up actually. The next day I had a minor set back in my mental stability after speaking with my mortgage company-things were sorted out from what I understand, but it was a very frustrating conversation. Anyway, when we said our goodbyes to the family we headed back to Faith and Kyle's house before our party in the park. We reserved a cabin in Millcreek Park and invited all of our friends and family around to come join us for our last night in Youngstown. The turn out was great and we enjoyed being able to see everyone one more time before heading out the next day. We were even able to see some people that we hadn't been able to see yet on our trip which is always nice. Jared and Courtney, Kevin and Lisa, Jarrod, and Kenny and Melissa were among a few that we hadn't been able to spend time with that were able to make it out. Then Jeff decided to wife swap me for Melissa B. haha-I don't think it would fair trade-she is much more laid back than I! I guess you had to be there for that one. Tim, Melissa and the boys even surprised us by skipping Gavin's game to come out and see us. It was really great to see all of those people under one roof.

We left there and journeyed back to Columbus Ohio where we promised to go with the boys (Kaleb, Anthony and Karter) to an indoor water park before we had to leave. It was a blast! I cannot stress enough how amazing it is to see family and friends and how much I enjoyed this trip. This blog is not as detailed as my first edition since I am posting it so late, but words cannot express how great everything was. I did really miss my dog though. :)

A very long blog of our vacation so far

So the trip begins in Las Vegas.

I have been anticipating my trip back east for some time now. So far it has been more than fulfilling. Our vacation started in Las Vegas where we were able to meet with Amanda and Dustin for dinner and drinks at the Mirage. We enjoyed some fun times with them and headed back to our room for some rest before our early flight. Our flight was a nonstop flight into Columbus, Ohio. I was able to read the entire book Water for Elephants on the way; A sad, but amazing story of the lives of circus workers and life in general during the 1930’s era of traveling train circus acts. It documented the abuse of the workers and animals and also told a great love story. I highly recommend this book. On the way back I will indulge in the latest book from the Alex Cross series by James Patterson so I can finally discuss it with my Dad!

Back to vacation

We arrived In Columbus and we were met by Jess and Kaleb and Anthony. It was so amazing to see them and be greeted by family with hugs and smiles. We stayed in Newark at my brother’s house with his fiancé and the boys, Jess-Kaleb-Karter-Anthony. We were also sharing a space with the dogs, Jetta-Venus-Reign. It was so amazing to just sit back and absorb the family atmosphere and talk and play with the boys. Brother was more than accommodating and cooked up a storm. When we walked in the door he had already had dinner ready to go; stuffed rigatoni with homemade sauce and fresh pecorino romano cheese. I knew immediately that I was going to enjoy this trip! Delicious! During our trip Jess had finished her current semester of classes and ended her clinicals with amazing results! We drank to her accomplishments and had a great time chatting and playing family feud! Jess was hilarious and fall down drunk form one margarita! Did I mention I adore this girl? The next night was spent visiting with an amazing old friend and catching up on years passed. Jen is a childhood friend that I have known since I was pre kindergarten age. She was like a big sister to me growing up and a person I looked up to and still do. She is an amazing person with a great set of morals and values and I am so thankful that I was able to see her and catch up on life in general.

We soon began our trip in the rented Chevy HHR to Youngstown, Ohio. While making the three hour drive I began thinking about how far I have come and how much I have accomplished. I also thought of my friends and family. I miss them all of the time when I am away. I am SO thankful that my brother lets Anthony stay with us in the summer while he is still young enough to enjoy it. Soon he will be at the in between age where he will be bored. I am also very thankful that my brother takes time every year to drive down to visit with the entire crew around the holidays. I am so proud of him and his family. At the time I am typing this we have not yet had a real visit with my other family, brother Tim and sister Melissa and the boys Brycen and Gavin. I am anticipating our visit with them and the short time we saw them so far was shocked by how much the boys have grown. I can’t believe Brycen was only a toddler when Jeff and I started dating. I remember holding Gavin when he came home from the hospital. I held him for the first time on the couch like a child sitting and holding him nervously afraid he might break and using the couch to help me brace him; I was 19. They have grown into their own little people now and it seems like they should still be little kiddos to me.

Seeing Faith and Kyle and their daughter was such an experience for me. I can hardly believe my friend, who is very much my sister in this life, has her own beautiful daughter. I could have cried with happiness holding that little child. She is the essence of precious and I am so thankful to have been able to hold her and visit with Faith. The friendship and comfort of familiarity were much needed.

Jeff and I feel the same way about friends; we take them on as family and trust and care for one another in a family way. We do what we can for each other whenever we can and do not expect anything in return other than a mutual caring friendship. We have been very lucky to have such amazing friends far and near and to create new friendships in Arizona as well. There is nothing like reconnecting with old and loved friends and family members. It makes me appreciate life and where it has taken me and where it will lead me.

We stayed with Curt and Carla and had an amazing time as well. Jeff has been friends with Curt for more years than he can count and it was a great and overdue visit. We enjoyed a few games of bowling while drinking (the only way to really bowl) and competed in not the score of the game, but in rounds we titled with such things as “best grandma form,” “Best Moonwalk Down the Lane,” “Best Chicken dance Down the Lane,” “Best Gangsta Strut Down the Lane,” and “Best Split.” Great times and great pictures to come on FB. I enjoyed our time there with Curt and Carla and their family of four legged children.

Speaking of children…

Jeff and I have been talking about this topic a lot lately, mostly about adoption and other options. One of these options is to not have children at all. As surprised as I am that Jeff seriously considers this an option, I have realized I think I could be happy not having children. I love working and spending time with children and believe that Jeff and I would make great parents, but I also think I would be perfectly content as an Aunt and a teacher. If we do decide to have children I would much prefer adoption. While I know Jeff struggles with all of these options more than I do, he actual had a serious discussion with me involving not having children even though he would make an amazing father. Sometimes we feel that we would rather have dogs and enjoy our lives being able to travel during our time off and travel and spend time with each other and with our family in other states including spending more time being an active Aunt and Uncle to our slew of nephews and new niece. It would be great to see them more than every few years. We discussed how we love being with children, but really love our off time and giving them back. I know so many of our friends and family try to tell us that we need to have children and that we should have at least two and that we…blah blah blah. Our life; our decision. Just because we would make awesome parents and love children doesn’t mean we need to have one or five or however many. Children are not right for everyone. Maybe they aren’t for us. Fortunately we still have a few years to decide. We have time to think about our options and decide what we feel is best for us. We will take the time to decide what we want, but currently either not having children or adopting are my two personal favortie options. Time will tell.

We have enjoyed spending time with Faith and Kyle, Brother and crew, Bill and family, Kelly, The Wilson bunch, Jen, Curt and Carla, Chris and Jim and Jess; our short visit with Kenny at KIA and wish we could have seen him and Melissa. We wish we had more time to see more people. We are excited to see more family over the next two days as well. Vacation has been much needed and very enjoyable so far and there is more to come. The traveling Jackson circus in the HHR is on its way to the next destination-The Jackson’s in North Jackson. Keep an eye out, we may be coming to a town near you! We are hoping to make it back to Columbus at a decent time on Saturday. Hoping; fingers crossed. J Looking forward to our Friday afternoon/evening shin dig at the Old Log Cabin at Millcreek Park. 4-midnight! The last hurrah, for now!

***Currently spending time with Tim, Melissa, Brycen and Gavin out at the camp. I will post more on our time with them later. ***

Toronto

We left our friends and headed to Toronto Ontario, Canada. After our 6 hour drive we arrived at our amazing hotel that offered free wi/fi, fridge, microwave, coffee pot, breakfast and other amenities that helped us make a quick decision that 6 hours in a car deserved an extra night’s stay. So we immediately checked in and added a night to our stay. As pricey as Canada is to visit, we wanted to make the most of it and enjoy our trip while trying not to think about money. It has been hard, but I have the rest of my life to worry about finances. The room was not only fully loaded, but incredibly clean and comfortable. Toronto is a beautiful city that practices many ‘green’ techniques. There was actually a timer light system in the bathroom so that if you left the light on it would automatically shut off after 15 minutes. Since I normally follow people around and turn lights off behind them, I loved this! Locals were riding their bicycles around the city and there were recycling and conservation centers around the city. Lots of people walking and many of them with their canine companions; I could get used to this city! They have multiple recycling bins near every trash can as well as by crosswalks and along sidewalks making it easy to be green. They passed a law that requires the country to charge 5 cents per plastic bag at any shops, restaurants or retailers. Most people had their reusable bags ready and full. Canada is a beautiful country and I wish the USA would take a few pages from their book. The city was clean and quiet, yet rich with culture. We drove through little Italy, Little Portugal and China Town and all areas of downtown seemed to remain clean and lacked the typical pan handlers and homeless people that most big cities have.

The people throughout Ontario were incredibly friendly and very patient and helpful. It made me think about kindness more. Perhaps these people seemed to be in such a good mood, because everyone is pleasant to each other? I understand that this is not always the case, but I will say we were there for 3 days and 2 nights and every single Canadian we met was outwardly friendly and happy to help us if needed. This was a nice surprise since our time in Youngstown any establishment we went into the service was terrible and the people rude. Oh home…lol.

After check in we decided to get ready and go to dinner. We ate at an amazing Italian ristorante that had fantastic service and THE ABSOLUTE BEST Italian food I have ever put in my mouth. It was run by all Italians and everything was made from scratch on site. I had the gnocchi in a four cheese cream sauce with a few red peppers and mushrooms. We ordered the brushetta to start and we were both raving over all of the flavors that hit our tongues. It was so rich and flavorful I could have ordered just that-by the case. J After recovering from our amazing dinner experience we headed out to find the bar and restaurant Wayne Gretsky’s in downtown Toronto. We had our first experience with paying to park in Canada; everywhere in the city is pay to park. This first time we were only charged ten dollars. I thought that was bad until the next day when we spent thirty dollars at one place and then another twelve at the harbour. We had a few bottles of Molson Canadian and checked out all of Gretsky’s authentic memorabilia as well as a few of his trophies, pictures of his family and old junior league jerseys. He even has his own wine label (BONUS!). All of the proceeds from Gretsky Estate Vineyard go directly to his foundation to help children learn and partake in the sport of hockey. We followed the pathway upstairs to the rooftop terrace bar with patio couches, trees, lights and water fall. It was beautiful and relaxing up there. We walked around downtown for a while before deciding to head back to the room and unwind. I was so excited to have wi/fi! Communication with the world! I Posted a few of our many vacation pictures on Facebook. Oh yes and did I mention the awesome candy bars that are hard to find in the US? -Canada has ‘em! We indulged on Mars bars, Bounty, Wunderbar, and some other ones I can’t remember. J Mars is like a milky way and Bounty is pretty much a mounds bar. It was awesome anyway!

The next morning after breakfast we headed to “The Great Hall” – The Hockey Hall of Fame. It was the purpose behind our trip and it was worth every bit of money and travel time spent. I cannot say enough about the amazing exhibits on all of the historic inductees as well as the NHL Zone featuring memorabilia from today’s current players as well. I personally enjoyed the exhibits on Maurice ‘the rocket’ Richard, Guy Lafleur, Gretsky, Bobby Orr and, of course, Mario Lemieux among others. I learned quite a bit about historic hockey players and the history of the game and how it has evolved. It was truly educational for me and amazing. We were very fortunate, because the Stanley Cup Final had just ended a very short time ago and the new home of The Cup, Chicago, was not yet on display so we were able to view the Stanley Cup champion displays from last year which were the Pittsburgh Penguins! Seeing actual gear worn by the best players on the team during the finals last year was truly a wonderful experience. We also saw every medal from the Olympic games for hockey up to the late 90’s. It was great to see how the medals differed every year. We also viewed the trophy room where we were able to see all of the NHL Trophies before they were shipped off to the NHL Awards 2010 to be with their new owners and receive their new engravings. We entered the vault where the original Stanley Cup is housed and took pictures with the replica of the current cup. It was amazing to me that these trophies were actually held high by some of the best athletes in the sport and in the world.

After leaving the hall of fame we grabbed a bite to eat; I had an amazing falafel with hummus and fresh baked pita chips. Not only is Canada very green in practice, but it has a great respect for culture and for vegetarianism. Did I mention I love this country? Too bad it is a very pricey place to live and visit-taxes are high due to universal healthcare-I LOVE IT!

We headed to the harbour to catch a ride on a very large authentic sail boat. We sailed for an hour and a half on Lake Ontario and the day couldn’t have been better for sailing; Breezy and not hot or humid with decent cloud coverage. A beautiful day! I enjoyed a glass of cabernet while Jeff had a domestic, Sleeman’s I believe. We took in the view of the Toronto city sky line and enjoyed the day. Later we ate at a little bar down the street from our hotel and shared a pitcher of Canadian. I was so incredibly exhausted on this day-I think the trip just caught up with me. I almost didn’t go to eat I was just drained. Glad I did go to eat though. It was nice to share this experience with Jeff and now we can look back on our time there together.

All in all, our vacation home to Ohio has been an amazing trip and we still have a few days left. I will come home and be happy to see my dog and my house as well as my family and friends in Arizona, but not my scale. I have definitely gained a few pounds back and have been eating a lot of pasta and bread as well as sodium rich foods which have caused me to retain a bit of water and swell. Oh well, I will worry about it when I get back! I will hit the p90x for the second round and kick ass again! Haha.

Well my positive upswing seems to be lasting, which is a great thing, I typically tend to be negative. Since the news of keeping my home was delivered to me I have tried very hard to stay positive and love life more. For me this means trying my hardest not to stress and treating people, including myself, better. Staying healthy and being stronger both physically and emotionally has become more important to me. My husband and I are really working together and treating each other well, I am enjoying the time I have to speak with new and old friends and I am feeling OK again about living in this town that I am not all that keen on.
I have also received a job interview with the school district here in Kingman. I will update as to how that turns out. I don't want to get too excited until it is over and I have an answer as to if, where and when I will be employed there.
I find myself missing family still and friends far away. This is when I try to focus hard on this new found positivity in my life. It easy for me to become immersed in depression; for reasons or for none at all. I am focusing on my spirituality and will be performing a house blessing for my newly saved home to dispell any prior negativity that was found here and lingered. Keeping it uncluttered and clean helps me as well to stay less stressed and irritatable.
I am thankful for my husband and his ability to be so stable. I am thankful for new friends that I have made here that I can talk to and relate to. These things have been helpful in maintaining a positive mind set.

I am feeling like I grew up way too fast lately.

I feel like yesterday I was a rebellious teenager walking the halls of my high school. I am actually a late twenty-something with a home and a husband that uprooted myself to move a few thousand miles from the comfort of familiarity. We have been married for very close to four years and living here for almost the same.
My dearest oldest friends are having babies and my new and dear friends here are also having babies and adding to their families. It is so wild to me the idea of growing up.
I thought it was mind blowing when we were all moving away and making our own decisions to branch out to other cities and states. Then there was proposals and marriages and I thought, "this is huge." Now my best friend has had her first child; a beautiful baby girl, Elyse. All I think now is, "when did we grow up?"
I am feeling emotional and sentimental missing family and friends; it comes with the territory of moving to another time zone. I can't believe I couldn't be there for the pregnancy and to share this with her, but I plan on making up for it with spoiling her from afar.
My nephews are growing faster than weeds and it is also very hard for me to think of how much I have missed with them. I went from helping care for Anthony on a daily basis to - BOOM - he is five and starting kindergarten next year. I am very fortunate that I am able to see him at least twice a year though when he stays in summer and when my brother and his soon to be wife and the whole crew of kiddos makes their yearly trip out here to visit by car. I have the biggest time loss with my nephews Brycen and Gavin that I have gone the most time without seeing. Last time we were able to come for a visit I cried when I saw their picture on the wall. I went from seeing them almost everyday to every other year at best. They are older and therefore much busier with activities and life and are harder to track down and chat with. When Jeff and I started dating Brycen was just a toddler and Gavin - not on this planet yet. Some days it just hits me more than others. Now I have two more nephews to add to the family with Kaleb and Karter. I am finding myself missing them as well and look forward to seeing them on their visits here.
I am still not the most content in Kingman, but We have a home and friends here now and we also have jobs. Mine may not be the best job or the one I set out for, but it is a job working with children again. I hope to one day move somewhere different again, but for now I have some of my family close by and a place to call home that I love. I am fortunate enough to have my parents and two Aunts and Uncle close by including all of the family visitors that are here throughout the year. While we can't afford to travel right now and are finally getting things in order with our home, it is nice to have family close.
For now we are trying to prepare for the summer months when I am again without a paycheck and we must make it through almost three months. Oh the lives of the low-middle class. :) At least I have some kind of job. That is truly something to be thankful for!

I am woman, hear me roar!

It is always so hard to go back to work after taking time off. I just came back after a week of spring break and just keep thinking about summer break.

The real reason I write today is not about job stress, but about the stress of being a woman.

I will only have time for two of the many issues we as women are plagued with in our deepest darkest psyches.

Lets start with weight issues. No female in this world can look at their own body naked from multiple angles and say, "wow, my body is rockin' awesome! I am perfect!" If you think differently, you are a terrible liar.

This is the way we are programmed from the time we are children. Commercials, magazines, gender roles, social norms and peers drill into our minds that we must look and act accordingly to find happiness, wealth and prosperity in life and relationships.

I have battled back and forth over the years since adolescence with self image and body issues. What girl hasn't experienced this throughout their life?

"me" says the girl in the back...

"LIAR!" says I.

We partake in pills, creams, potions and surgeons in an attempt to correct all of our 'problems.' My husband asked me, "why can't you just be happy being healthy and stop worrying about your weight; I think your beautiful that is all that matters." While I thought about how sweet he was being and knowing that he should be the only one with an opinion about my image I also considered an answer to his inquiry.

Women can stop worrying about their body image when men stop buying, selling, viewing and admiring women that are the stereotypical 'perfect' woman. Start investing in big girl porn and admiring Lane Bryant catalogs and I will stop worrying about my image.

I have no issues with big girls, in fact I know a few who I envy for their beauty and personality, not one or the other. They are fun and don't give a F@#% about what anyone thinks. They have gorgeous features and intelligence. However, I know that being even 'average' in size for women can be depressing so I know that these women I find beautiful have moments of depression when examining their bodies in the mirror as well. That goes for celebrity envy as well. Think of the perfect celebrity female. I know that this person has self doubt and image issues and envies someone just as I envy her. I swear it is a sad world for us ladies!

I was thinking of this today when I found myself on the scale being mad at only losing 18 pounds and not 28. I couldn't be happy at the 18 pound weight loss I had to see more. Then I found myself criticizing my image in the mirror while wondering why I just can't lose the weight from the area I want to, instead of being happy that I lost it in the other places. So I will continue working out and never indulging in even the occasional guilty pleasure food until I see what I want to see. Of course I never will, because after 28 lbs will come the need for 35 and then 40 and so on.

I am woman hear me roar...at the scale.

Stressor number two: child birth.

I will leave you with a few random questions we women will ask ourselves and this should give you an insight into the stress. These questions go beyond the physical pain of child birth.

???

When is the right time to have a child? Am I still a real woman if I can't get pregnant? What if I am just not maternal? What if the baby is hurt while I am carrying? Does it make me less of a mother to adopt? Am I selfish for waiting? What if I can't deliver or there are complications? What about the pain? What if my significant other doesn't want children? What if I am single for another 10 years? Should I adopt or use fertilization if I am single in 10 years? What if I get postpartum depression, What about the money it takes to raise a child? What about stretch marks and weight gain? (ties into the previous stressor)

Seriously being a woman makes my head hurt. Ironically enough it also makes my back, sides, breasts, feet, neck, vagina and shoulders hurt too; at the very least once a month, but usually more.

Well we finally have it all figured out. Our modification is in the works and we are getting back on track. I have realized through this that it is time for a change.

As a result of all this madness I appreciate my home so much more. I have decided, with Jeff, that we need to stop putting off the 'to do' list for the house and start putting more work and love into our home.

Work and love are kinda expensive.

I purchased a new dining room table, four chairs, two bar stools, paint for the living room accent wall and I am in the process of hiring someone to refinish the stucco on the side of the house. We are also paying for a weeding service (in my anger of losing my home we let the weeds grow wild for the new owners-whoops) and landscaping the back yard. We are thinking of extending the patio and laying rock in the back yard. Our grand total - too much!

Thank you Visa!

I am still not a huge fan of the Kingman area, but I am thankful that we both have jobs here and that now we have a lower and affordable house payment. I am also thankful to have people here in this town that I can truly call friends. I have family here and more coming to town so I guess sticking around for awhile may not be so bad after all.

I still can't believe it is over. This whole house thing is over - finally! No more negativity for me!

I feel positive and more in touch with my spirituality through this whole ordeal. Strength and wisdom and sanity have been restored to me through all of these experiences and I thank 'them' for guiding me on my way.

WOW. What a day. I am in total disbelief.

We were set to move in to our rental and sign our lease with down payment on Monday. I have boxes at the house and was ready to start packing this weekend. I even had a last hurrah with the ladies last night to smell some candles and enjoy company in my home for the last time.

This morning I read my e-mail and things have changed on us once again. This time we actually have good news.

In my e-mail today I opened a letter from our a-hole mrtgage company. It stated that we have been approved for an in house modification plan direct through the company. This means that if we continue to make our modified payment on time for one year we will be back on track and be able to stay in our home. I e-mailed my Mom this morning

"What the fuck is this? Is it for real?"

It is. Although I have a hard time trusting it and don't want to get too excited yet, it is real.

Talk about timing.

One part of me wants to scream and yell, "Who the hell do these people think they are?" They put us through emotional hell and our family and even all of our friends that went on this ride with us. Our friends and family have been there through the whole process. They have given support and an ear to listen and a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. When we were denied repeatedly for modifications and our interest rate continued to raise over the past year beyond what we could afford these people were there with us.

As I stated in previous blogs, I am so thankful for them all. Family and friends. After this we all deserve a cookie! My brother for listening to me on my drunken anger rampages; my Mom for countless phone calls and paper work; my Dad for dealing with my foul mouth during this ordeal (not that he has any right to judge!); My husband who has been on this ride with me and dealt with my emotional insanity; and my friends both near and far, old and new, for being so supportive and amazing. We are truly lucky to know so many great people.

The other part of me wants to cry tears of joy and go on a major spending spree on things for our house. We have already discussed the landscaping, tile, stucco touch up and painting an accent wall in the living room. It's our house again and we can do whatever we want to it!

Everything is still sinking in for me. I have a hard time believing it is all real. After everything we have gone through this past year.

This economy is a great deal of trouble. Home owners and working class people losing their homes and jobs and money being cut for education and public services at the state level. This is ridiculous! I just dodged a bullet. I am one of the lucky ones.

Today is the day. We are 'showing' our house today to get approval from a rental agency. We need to be deemed worthy to rent from them. They are coming over to check out the condition of our current home and look for general damages associated with our dog. Luckily my dog does not cause damage. However, I am having a very hard time hosting someone in my house that is there to judge the way I live. Judge me to see if I am living up to their standards so I can rent a home that is not even on the same level as the one I am in. F-that.

I am still trying to cope with this.

I am now wondering what if something nicer opens up? What if we sign this rental agreement and then a fantastic rental home opens up and we miss it. I am also thinking, maybe some house pixies will magically give me my home back again.

I think I have hit the crazy stage of loss.

I know many people don't understand why losing a house means so much. After all, it's just a house right? Wrong. It's memories and a future. It's a sense of accomplishment and now a sense of failure. Failure is a fear of mine in all aspects of life. It hurts and I have to watch it in slow motion everyday until we move out and my failure sits here vacant.

I am so tired of these people blaming the homeowners for the economy and for what is going on with the millions of foreclosures. People that are not in this situation, have no idea what it is like. Some people did buy a home without the means to keep it. To those people shame on you and the lender that granted you a loan. For others, like myself and Jeff, we could keep it until the mortgage companies became desperate with greed.

The stimulus plan is a joke when it comes to housing. It helps you with an affordable payment for up to five years and then everything goes back to the way it was. That is IF, IF, you are approved. Where as once the banks would lose money on foreclosures, now they have been bailed out and receive money based on need which is determined by foreclosures.

:sigh:

I better prepare for my inspection.

...

Well next week the packing will begin. We will be looking at the last of the rental homes on our list and making a decision. It is very strange looking at homes and not feeling excitement. Every time we have looked for a new place to call home it has been exciting and fun; we have always been upgrading. This time it is sad and frustrating and the biggest emotional challenge of my life so far.

Every one we look at I think about how it compares to my home. The cabinets are not the same, the space is not the same, the way it is cut up into rooms is different and the yard is different. From colors to craftsman ship I compare every detail. I dwell on all the things I will mis about my home; the home I walked into when we were buying and said, "this is it; this is the one."

As Jeff pointed out to me, it is not my home anymore and the sooner I can recognize that the sooner I will be able to move on. The problem is it isn't that easy for me. I know we were screwed and it isn't the first time. I feel personally f-you'ed by the US government. (Imagine that right; lets start a club) I am trying to deal with this by knowing and understanding that others are in worse situations without jobs or homes and that I should feel lucky to have a job of any kind and family and friends around me to lean on. The problem is, while I know that others have it much harder, it is human nature to consider your own problems much bigger, because they are your reality and you are directly affected by them. Selfish - I know - that is just the way it is. Human nature; don't lie to yourself, you know it's true no matter how selfish it makes you sound.

The important thing for me to control is my bitterness. I must understand and remain compassionate and happy to my friends around me that have blessings in their lives right now and not be bitter and jealous. If I let that happen I know it will consume me. I am truly happy for them and wish them all the blessings in the world. Faith and her gorgeous addition to her family (due May 9) and Phil and Gena and their AWESOME new home that looks fantastic and they have poured their heart and soul into. Amanda and the return of her husband from Afghanistan safe and sound. All amazing things.

I am very thankful to have a job at all, even if it is not the one I went to school for at least I am working with children. I am also thankful that Jeff has a job and that we are together. This is just not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I thought things got better and student loans would be worth it, because college means a good, solid job in this country. Shame on me for buying into that!

More teachers have been given the boot in our local school system. Very good and high performing teachers with families, student loans, house payments and mouths to feed now have no pay check.

When did education become obsolete?

Well folks it is official; our house is on the auction list in early June.

Yes the American dream, how sweet it is, has once again paid off for us. We worked hard to make every payment on time and when they jacked up our interest rate and refused to modify our loan after over a year of 'working' with them we are now out on our asses. Fantastic.

I vacated my position to finish my education and was then unable to find a job of any kind for 8 months. I eventually took a job at a Lowe's store 50 minutes away part time to make an attempt to have an income. After gas costs and wear on the vehicle it made no real difference. We were soon unable to afford paying our mortgage anymore at the hiked rate and had to stop since the company was not willing to help us in any way. We were then scammed by a 'specialist' out of $2,000 and left with a messy trail of paperwork that no one cared about. I was finally employed in a pre kindergarten program teaching pre kindergarten skills for lower wages than I was promised. I just started that job in March. Just in time to be laid off for the summer months and again without a pay check.

Interestingly enough, my mortgage company was bought out by private investors who have their call center based out of Pakistan. Every time I call I speak with someone different and no one ever gives me the same story about my loan. They have no direct call numbers so you never who you will be speaking to; it could be "Bob," "Jill," or "Anthony" none of whom speak any English that I can understand. All of them with big broken promises of modification plans and returning my phone calls and, of course, no results.

Now my husband and I are forced to find a new place to live within the next month and a half and will be plagued with a foreclosure on our credit.

I love this country.

What a great year this has been. I hate this town and I want to go home...wherever that is.

Random Notes of Thanks

Alright, so last night was interesting.

When you start a relationship, more so when you begin living together, you notice little quirks your "other" has. After awhile you modify your lives in compromise and learn to live with these quirks in peace. What happens when they begin developing new quirks somewhere in the middle of the relationship and you forget how to deal and the compromise only gets you so far? These quirks are disturbing my sleep time and I truly need my sleep time when and however I can get it. Just a thought really. I too have my annoying quirks. A random relationship thought.

I am thankful for my supportive and loving husband. Although we argue and bicker we truly do care about each other and I know, as does he, that we will support each other when we really need it.

I cannot believe we will have been married for almost four years and together for almost nine. Seriously, has anyone seen my youth? I am in my late twenties and for some reason am having a hard time remembering what life was like in the early ones. My best friend is having a baby...A BABY! It is so exciting and yet so hard to believe that we were beginning our friendship when were just young kiddos and now she is having a baby!

It is truly amazing to think about who you knew and what you thought you knew about life as a youth. Then you grow up, too quickly, and see who is still standing beside you and find out what you thought you knew was WAY off. I am so happy that I still have friends from years ago that are standing beside me and involved in my life. We are spread out across the country and I feel like when we see eachother no amount of time ever passed. These people saw me at my lowest, my highest and everything in between and know my faults, my beliefs and my history and still love me and care about me. For that I am incredibly thankful. Thank you.

Another random note: thanks goodness for supporting parents. They may drive you crazy and annoy you at times, but guess what they feel the same way about you. You drive them crazy and annoy them, but they will always care about you and love you and be there for you from the smallest to the largest moments in your life. I am thankful to have supportive parents when I know there are people that do not have this in their lives.

I am also thankful for my beliefs and my spirituality, even though it doesn't always shine through and I prefer to keep it quite private. I am always saying how I need to get back into the structure of it and really live it. I just feel comfort in knowing that I do not believe in a vindictive and judgemental God/Gods/Etc so I know that, while I don't approve of myself for this, they will support me as I them when needed and when not needed regardless of my time spent on prayer, meditation and ritual. I am thankful to have this kind of support in my faith.

I am also thankful for my new friends here in Arizona. While I truly am not as happy here as I could be else where in this world, I have finally found solace in friendships that have progressed and flourished here. Some people are just happy aquaintances and others real friends that I know have my back and I know I can vent to and call and go out and just enjoy their company. It took me awhile to adjust, but I think I have adjusted as much as I ever will to this area and am just thankful to have found people to help make that adjustment better.

Here I am world, again.

...a brief introduction and background...

Well I am back on the blogging scene; it's been awhile, but it is good to be back. I feel like sharing my life online with random strangers and friends and family is always a great way to say what is on your mind in a nonchalant semi-anonymous way and not have to deal with the judgement people tend to pass on you.

I know about judgement. I have been judged negatively and been the one who has judged. In both cases it was never a happy outcome.

So I decided to begin my blogging habit again by reading my good friend's blog. We were friends since I was-oh I don't know-thirteenish and through trials and time and travels have remained friends. She is inspiring and admirable and an amazing writer and person. Thinking of her takes me back to my teenage youth and that is when I decided upon the title for my blog; Rebel Yell. We were wild and crazy revolting youths protesting injustice and all that jazz. For those that know me-I know shocking right? ha-not so much. It also helps that I love Billy Idol and that song is one of my favorites.

I guess I can get started by saying: to those of you who know me from home, you already know most of my 'secrets' and my past and know where I stand now on subjects of controversy and the general daily way I live my life. For those of you that are new to me (semi-new anyway) you may be surprised, appalled, and find out some new things about my personal life you did not know. I only ask that you do not judge and keep an open mind and understand that my alternative beliefs and foundations have been judged many times before and I have always chosen my beliefs and personal convictions over any relationship and friendship. If you want to place judgement on me, start up the rumor mill around town and scratch me out, then do so, however I would like to think that you are all better than that. I guess some people will always surprise you though, so just covering my ass.

I once lived in a land called "Youngstown, Ohio" and while it is the home of murder, rape, drugs and other misc crimes and abandoned buildings, it was home. I guess it still is home. I miss the grey skies and old city structures. I miss Mill Creek Park and the streams, rose gardens and trails. I miss the flats where we used to have poetry readings with all of our many diverse friends. I miss that diverse blend of friends that sometimes scared my parents, but once they spoke, no matter what they looked like, every one knew they were caring and compassionate people. These were the people of my high school youth. I am lucky enough to have contact with some of them still; others have faded and moved on and are living their lives in their own way somewhere. I have never forgotten any of them.

Some things I take very seriously, in no order, are: life, my relationship with my family and friends, my dog, Pittsburgh sports, wine, my alternative beliefs, coffee, environment, children. A side note on that last one - I have no children of my own, but I teach and am very passionate about child welfare, safety, education and adoption services.

Pictures to come soon.