looming shadows

I have come to terms with the fact I am not the nicest person a long, long time ago. This being said, "Hey you rude, pushy, selfish, attention whore-knock it off."

Wow that was liberating. At least I blogged it and didn't cause a situation, yay me! :)

Moving on.

I have been using this blog more lately which means one of two things: I feel the need to talk to myself more frequently or I am feeling down. I have a feeling it is a bit of both. You know I have nothing to feel down about lately, but when you battle that anxiety and darkness from adolescence it just seems to show up from time to time. So, I accept it. I don't like it, but I accept it.
Maybe it is surfacing, because I am missing 'home' (yes I just used the term 'home' to endear Youngstown, Ohio...crazy, eh?) or maybe it is my fear and anxiety about starting my real big girl job this year. I don't know, but it is hot and I'm moody and don't feel like dealing with your BS today people...outta my way! haha. No really. ;-)

I do get to spend some time with my nephew today, which is always good. We are going to go out to see him this evening for some late evening poolside fun. I don't ever have to worry about putting a bathing suit on in front of him, because he always thinks I look great! :) I love that kid.

I miss my Faith Ann (yes Ann, deal with it name changer!) We have been through so much together and I know through our arguements and disagreements (not that there is really too many of those) and life in general she is my rock and my foundation who has never judged me for being me. I could say the most ridiculous things, discuss personal issues and just be myself-good and bad-and she remains there, always. It is hard having her so far away.

OK I'm done-abruptly done.

I have a ton of stuff.

Well, I cleaned off my desk today and found out that I just cannot bring myself to get rid of certain things. Even though it literally pains me and stresses me out to have stuff all over the place. I have a ton of kindergarten and preschool stuff that I just can't part with. I also have a ton of pictures and thank you cards from the preschool I taught at in Ohio that I can't bear to part with. I am moving some stuff into my classroom next week, but the amount of stuff just doesn't seem to ever get smaller. I had the urge to throw everything away today, but once I actually got it to the trash I had a change of heart with some of it. Some of this stuff, as I have referred to it, is being donated to the Head Start program that I briefly worked for out here. The other stuff, well it is being creatively arranged to fit in the closet and in boxes. We are not planning any children, yet we have no room for us in a three bedroom home?!?! All of our combined stuff equals a ton of creative hiding and fake organizing.

That being said...

I don't know if anyone knows someone who collects these items or not, but here it goes...

As a little girl I collected Cherished Teddies figurines. I loved them! I saved up to buy them and requested certain ones for holidays from family members. I cataloged them and looked up the retired figurines and what they were worth. It gave me a sense of innocence and responsibility. Now they sit, by the hundreds, in boxes in my garage. I looked at what they might sell for on the internet and of course they are not worth anything like I had once imagined they would be. It pains me to part with them, but I just think it would free up so much room and make my husband very happy to have them out of his garage space. I want them to go to a good home with a little girl that will love them as much as I did and still do. It is like giving away a piece of my childhood that was happy and sweet in one nice quaint little box; make that twenty nice quaint little boxes. I guess I may not be entirely OK with the idea of giving them away just yet, but I know I shouldn't hold onto such material things as an adult, especially since they take up a ton of room. Anyway, just a thought I'm toying with.

It has finally caught up with us...living on one income for the summer. We are finally at the point of, "uh-oh time to get creative with the bill paying" for the summer since I have not had a paycheck since the first week of June. I am glad that our mortgage situation is taken care of and my student loans are being deferred until the consolidation process is completed. I am nervous about starting the new school year and knowing that I will need to buy items for my classroom. Oh well, the life of the middle class, blue collar couple. I am lucky to have a job at all and knowing I will soon be receiving a paycheck again is comforting. I am super antsy about getting in my classroom and checking it all out and cannot wait until Monday when I am able to do so.

Just a stress reliever blog about my clutter. :)

to kid or not to kid...? Still on my mind.

Although everyone is probably tired of hearing about this...I see more and more babies and pregnant people everywhere and since it has been the hot topic for me and Jeff I am still thinking about it. Mostly because of the guilt I feel.

Well Jeff and I have talked extensively about having children. I feel incredibly guilty for not wanting them when I thought that I wanted them before we were married. I feel like I am not allowed to change my mind so I need to justify every angle of why I do not want to have children. I know we would both make amazing parents, but I just don't feel it is what is right for me and my life. I know I shouldn't have to rationalize the reasons, but I do it all the time over and over again because of this guilt. Jeff is the victim in this decision, I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. I know he has told me he sometimes feels he wants them and sometimes does not, but I do not want him hating me ten years from now or carrying around misplaced anger. I am glad he is choosing to stay with me regardless of the child issue. I love him.

I changed my mind. Yes, I did. Part of me thinks-I am totally allowed to change my mind whenever I want! The other part thinks-wow I'm a total jerk for changing my mind-how dare I?

What I do know for sure is that I absolutely hate it when people make the assumption that since I am a married adult of a certain age I am going to surely want children and be trying any time now. Don't assume it people. Also, don't tell me that I just have to have kids-I have to, because you just think it is what I am supposed to do. Well hey when you want to raise my child financially and be my live in nanny and permanent babysitter-oh yeah and birth it-then you can tell me I just have to have a baby. F-that. Mind your own business and stop telling me what I have to do. This is a matter between my husband and I. If he is accepting this than you need to as well.

I will spare my long list of cons in the child bearing/raising dept. However Like I have stated before:

I LOVE children-being around them, teaching them and being an active Aunt to my nephews and new little niece. I like being the one who does all the fun stuff and then gives them back.

I do want to take this moment to show great appreciation and recognition to the amazing mothers that are in my life, including my own. I have so many friends that are amazing mothers. They are all beautiful, strong, loving and compassionate women. You rock ladies!

Will I regret it one day-maybe, but for now I am not that interested in the idea. I can't predict the future. If I could predict the future I'd be a millionaire, but I still wouldn't have kids. I might consider adoption-maybe. Maybe. I said maybe people.

I'm just incredibly thankful that my husband hasn't left me over this change of heart. I couldn't imagine life without him, but I know he has always wanted children. Like I said he has played with the idea of not having them recently, but I still think he would in a heartbeat if I wanted them. I just don't want him to have regrets in the future...I can't predict the future. He is amazing and I am so lucky that he accepts me and all my faults.

I am a huge fan of having dogs instead...lots of dogs. Right now we cannot expand our doggie family due to Blu having a case of the Cujo, however our future consists of travel, friends and family, and dogs.

Children are for people who can't have dogs. I heard that somewhere and I liked it. I think I may get it on a sign and hang it on my door.

The second part of our vacation blog...

...

We were able to spend time with Tim, Melissa and the boys as well. It seems like far too much time passes in between visits, but we enjoy every minute of our time together. We were able to wacth one of Gavin's baseball games before heading over to the campgrounds. He did a GREAT job and it was so cool to see him play. I loved cheering him on in the stands. We were also able to see my sister in law's sister who is also like family for us and her two boys who have also grown so so much. When we arrived at the camp ground Gavin taught me how to drive a golf cart, in the dark none the less. A very brave boy to take on that task! Then I enjoyed some time on the swing set with Melissa and Brycen and Gavin...well I thought it would be enjoyable. The company was great, but the swinging gave me nausea. Not like I remember it as a kid. It was just good to spend time talking and joking around with the boys. I still can't believe how big they are! Later that evening at the camp Jeff decided to drink 22 beers in the course of two-three hours, so that became entertaining. He was just goofy all night-cracked us all up actually. The next day I had a minor set back in my mental stability after speaking with my mortgage company-things were sorted out from what I understand, but it was a very frustrating conversation. Anyway, when we said our goodbyes to the family we headed back to Faith and Kyle's house before our party in the park. We reserved a cabin in Millcreek Park and invited all of our friends and family around to come join us for our last night in Youngstown. The turn out was great and we enjoyed being able to see everyone one more time before heading out the next day. We were even able to see some people that we hadn't been able to see yet on our trip which is always nice. Jared and Courtney, Kevin and Lisa, Jarrod, and Kenny and Melissa were among a few that we hadn't been able to spend time with that were able to make it out. Then Jeff decided to wife swap me for Melissa B. haha-I don't think it would fair trade-she is much more laid back than I! I guess you had to be there for that one. Tim, Melissa and the boys even surprised us by skipping Gavin's game to come out and see us. It was really great to see all of those people under one roof.

We left there and journeyed back to Columbus Ohio where we promised to go with the boys (Kaleb, Anthony and Karter) to an indoor water park before we had to leave. It was a blast! I cannot stress enough how amazing it is to see family and friends and how much I enjoyed this trip. This blog is not as detailed as my first edition since I am posting it so late, but words cannot express how great everything was. I did really miss my dog though. :)