judgement

Over the past few days I have had several thought provoking conversations with varying degrees of importance. These are those stories...DUN-DUN. :)


Judgement.



No one wants to be judged poorly. I have been judged unfairly multiple times throughout my life by the way I dressed, spoke, my beliefs and the people I chose to associate with. I hated that people judged me by such outside observations. I spent a great deal of my life as a somewhat depressed and very insecure person. As I reached adulthood I embraced my alternative, liberal views and decided to associate with people that accepted me for the uniquely loud, fiesty, angsty, liberal, classy, woman that says fuck a lot. Somewhere along the way I may have forgot how strength is gained from experience and support systems that you build in your life. Strength is not something that everyone possesses; it isn't granted like a wish and not everyone walks away from their life's experiences with strength. As some very strong, and each uniquely beautiful, women recently discussed with me: everyone has a story.


I tend to be very empathetic with children that come from poverty and abuse since I see it in my job all the time. For some of these children, I am there only positive, safe and stable support. Due to the fact that they cannot truly defend themselves against the huge waves of emotions they are attempting to process stemming from a variety of abusive situations, I tend to not judge them, but to comfort them. I haven't been giving adults the same courtesy. I feel like they should know better, or be able to have the strength to overcome their past and present and create their own future. Unfortunately, many people were never given the tools to survive and overcome the negativity that emcompasses their lives. Restating: strength is not given freely and everyone has a story. Some people are bitter, jeaous, negative, self-loathing, spiteful, vindictive, hateful, insecure and just looking for someone to give them the tools needed to climb their way out. While I have never been a people person per say, I am going to try to remember not to judge those people I encounter in my everyday life, but remember that everyone has their own private battles that they endure.

This does not mean I am giving everyone a free pass to be a douche bag or a stuck up bitch. Some people are just bad news and continually make bad chocies and crave negative attention and take everyone around them down with them. Some people don't want to change and will not change. Those people are sad and sick.

*When I say I have never been a people person, what I mean is that I was never an outgoing, outwardly trusting person. I don't enjoy being surrounding by people I don't know. I get nervous when I am uncomfortable and I can come off as rude due to my lack of social openess with new people. This is part of my back story. Due to the ridicule and judgement that was passed on me in my teen years (which I wouldn't trade for the world) I have developed a habit of closing off people. Luckily I have met some really amazing people over the past few years here-some that have moved away, but still remain a part of my life and some that have not moved away-that have helped me begin to overcome some of these social issues.
By the way-Amanda, get me some dates for your visit! :)


My partner in life:

Jeff amazes me-he is a truly happy and social being. He has overcome so many personal struggles and accomplished so much. He is not quick to pass judgement and he enjoys the little things in life. He had some very big obstacles in his past that he has overcome, and he helps me with my insecurities and my social issues by showing support and encouragement. Inspiring.

As always Faith-without her I wouldn't be who I am. She has always ALWAYS been there for me in my life. I miss her everyday being so far away, but no distance can interfere with our friendship. She is a huge part of the reason I am still a sane human being. Mostly sane anyway.

Love Completely

I have an AMAZING husband. I was watching him sleep (he finally fell asleep after tossing and turning) and thinking, I am truly lucky in love.

It's true-He isn't the easiest to live with (neither am I) he has his little ticks that make me crazy and we bicker and argue often. We have had huge-knock-down-drag-out-life-altering conflicts, and we have had tiny little annoying bickers.

HOWEVER-I love our little bickering, I hate his habits, but would hate it more if they weren't around to drive me crazy. I miss him when he is gone. He understands my emotions and the way I think. He respects and supports my decisions and finds ways to make me happy when I am not feeling so well. He is encouraging and comforting.

When we moved to Kingman I went through a great depression; not the down-economic-kind of great depression, the kind you go through when you remove yourself from best friends and close family and familiarity and move across the country to no friends, little family and unfamiliar people and places. I went to work, drove home, and went to bed. That was my life. I gained weight, became unmotivated and lazy and an all around miserable person. He held me when I cried, he lied with me when I wouldn't leave my bed and most importantly he told me to snap out of it and live life or stop whining! :)
He has been supportive of me during my nine years of college education, he has put up with my anxiety, he has encouraged me to go out and live and be happy.

He loves me with my physical and emotional flaws. He chose to stick by me through rough times when life wasn't easy and decisions were effecting our lives in different ways. He has sacrificed for me-and I get overwhelmed sometimes, because I don't know how to react.

I am thankful to have him and can't imagine my life without him. I just hope he is as happy with me as I am with him. I love him completely. When everyone else is gone-I have him.
I hope that everyone finds that kind of love and holds it tight, because I couldn't imagine what I would do if it got away.

politics-ugh.

Warning: Political Rant-not meant to offend
political rants lead to arguments and disrespect-I mean none. Truly.

I shouldn't be shocked, I mean American civilians don't have the best reputation for being intelligent. We over indulge ourselves into diseases, supersize, lie, cheat and eat up every fear tactic we see on fox news. I feel most Americans would believe an Afghani is a crocheted blanket from their grandmother. Sad. We typically believe whatever we are told by our news station of choice without truly researching any information.
It is NO secret I was never a George W. Bush supporter. The man ran several companies into the ground in a drunken stupor and hid behind the political successes of his father and brother. He created big stories based on maybes and scared a country into panic mode and into war. The war in Iraq is/was not the same as the war on terror (Afghanistan). They are two separate entities-fact. He somehow blended them into one being and bamboozled Americans into believing false claims of weapons of mass destruction. He flew a banner during his run for re-election stating "mission accomplished" when nothing was getting accomplished, other than oil prices rising and war erupting. He had infromation on the 9/11 attacks before they happened which had been handed to him by Clinton's admin. He did nothing-I wonder if it is because he honestly couldn't read it, but then again he had people to read it to him, so why did nothing come of this information. He was sloppy, careless, and reckless. A shameful president that gave us the Patriot Act. Wow-if you wanted to be a joke to all nations of the world and history books-"mission accomplished".
I am also no supporter of Obama (I did vote for him, but he was not my primary choice). I think Obama is quick to cave and back down when it comes to legislation in hopes to be 'bi-partisan' and it is unsuccessful and just pisses both parties off. I don't blame him for soaring oil prices. I blame riots in Egypt and the former admin for handing him a big mess. I don't think he has done much for education, which I was hoping he would, but like I said-I'm not a big fan. I do think he is highly educated and is learning every step of the way.
Bin Laden: really...? This is where I get really disappointed in Americans for being stubborn simply because they don't like Obama. Yes, we all realize Obama didn't kill Bin Laden, he did however use incredibly accurate military intel organized within the last few years (of which he was in office, not Bush) to sit down with officials and make educated and careful decisions based on intelligence from our amazing troops and CIA. He actively pursued this intel to be sure it was accurate so that no one would be senselessly killed in combat gone bad. He was careful and thorough and it paid off. He, as commander in chief, gave the order based on strong military intelligence to go in and sweep out Bin Laden. It was succesful. I still don't care for Obama-I respect him more, but still not my first choice in the democratic primary. I will not, however, take anything away from him. He did take down Bin Laden by listening to educated professionals in their fields and analyzing intel. A president's job is to do this, not to go out guns blazing. Obviously he didn't actually pull the trigger, but this was his success and he should own it. Well done Sir. "Mission Accomplished." He shares this success with his employees, his admin and the US military services. Just as a CEO shares his success in business with the employees that help with the leg work and perform the actions handed down to them by the head of the company and his intelligence staff. Blame, blame, blame, but no credit for the good. Typical. Stubborn and typical.
Unfortunately, there is another hate monger waiting to rise up and take Bin Laden's place. Alqaeda is a network of terrorism, not one man. Our troops will remain in place and continue working hard to gather more intel and take the network down piece by piece. Thank you to them for this sacrifice.

family is thicker than blood

Family isn't just the relationships we are born into by blood; it is so much more. It consists of some blood relationships, but if you are lucky, it consists of the best friends and 'extended family' one could ask for.

Family means caring for one another, helping each other, unconditional love, being supportive and protective.

What family is not: Family is not degrading, conditional, judgemental or distant (in the figurative sense).

What family does: Family supports each other through words and actions. Family responds to needs. Family stays in touch on an emotional level when they are distant physically and does not let the passing of time or a busy schedule divert its path. Family sticks together, but is not afraid to tell you when you are wrong.

Blood is thicker than water, but FAMILY is much thicker than blood.

accountability is a bitch

We build our own destiny. We choose our path-it is not predetermined it is our conscious choice every step of the way.

Being an adult means making choices and holding yourself accountable for them. Sometimes, I hate accountability; sometimes I hate adulthood. lol.

Sometimes we make these choices without all the facts or with misinformation. In those cases our choices often come back to bite us in the ass, but ultimately it was still OUR choice. I knew becoming a teacher would put me into a never ending debt of student loans. I knew that after working full time and attending part time for 9 years upon graduation I could end up without a job, or as is my current situation, in a job making very little. I still struggled through it and finished with highest honors and make little money, but I love my job. It was a decision I made and it was worth every struggle. I made this decision with the knowledge that I will work weekends and 10-12 hour days and not be compensated for them. I made this decision knowing that I would disagree with many of the politics associated with working in education. I made this decision knowing that children need someone that cares more about their benefit than their paycheck. It was my decision. I still bitch about my low pay and lack of appreciation, but I will never act surprised-I knew the facts and I chose this. This leads me to our decrease next year. They are raising the cost of benefits and dropping my current plan so I will now be forced to pay more and have less coverage. The state of AZ has also raised state retirement. I will make around $100 less per month next year. I will be upset and bitch, but once again-not surprised. It's unfair, but it was part of my choice to work here and be a teacher.

I will again reiterate my previous home experience for the purpose of the point I am making about choices. I have blogged about this numerous times so bear with me.

I made the decision (with Jeff) to buy a home. When we made this decision we knew that Jeff would have to work two jobs to support us with our new mortgage. What I didn't know is that our home loan was not fixed and that it would balloon and our mortgage company would tell us to screw off. I assumed we could refinance our home before the balloon payments took effect. It was still my choice to buy the home and make the sacrifices to afford it. When things went south with our home and we stopped paying our mortgage I still made a choice. I chose to stop paying and, though it was EXTREMELY difficult, I chose to resign my position as a KUSD employee to finish my student teaching and get my degree knowing once that happened I would not be able to afford my ballooning payment and that we would face the high possibility of loosing our home. Part of this was a little bad luck, most of it was a choice I made with my husband. Knowing this didn't make it any easier. I was jobless (for 8 months), Jeff was no longer working two jobs and we were living off of his income-not much. Every modification that was denied was another knife in my heart. Every payment not made hurt my pride. I started to have anxiety attacks and depression. We tried like hell t figure it all out and fill out the proper paperwork. We were decieved by modification companies and mortgage lender promises. I was hateful and jealous and hurt, but it still stems back to my choice to originally purchase a home in a downward economy and know my home would decrease in value. It also stems from my choice to choose education over home. Lucky for us, our modification came through after a year of heartache on the very day we were going to sign a lease for a rental.

My choice to finish my education had finally paid off when I was offered the job with the school district. While this same choice caused struggle and hardship it ended up being the best choice. I had a recent medical issue that I didn't understand (I abstractly and briefly blogged about this last time)-I am fine. Sometimes things do happen by total chance. I choose not to share the details, but I am thankful. Sometimes things happen from just random bad luck-this is not most cases. Most things lead back on a trail of personal choices. As much as I don't want to see it that way at times, I know in my heart it is true. As the saying goes, 'life's not fair' -the biggest truth ever told. I have come to understand that when I am suffering through something, there is always someone else that has it worse. I have also come to understand that my relationships with family and friends that I have worked to gain and maintain over the years are a great support system. When it comes to our personal lives and choices some of us advertise and some of us privatize. Everyone copes differently. Everyone makes different choices-choices that they think are best for them at the time. college-choice career field-choice buy or rent-choice marriage and the work that comes with it-choice

children and the work that comes with them-choice

choices that either independently or blended together have a large effect on our lives and the path we walk.

life, love and the pursuit of friendship

Life is a very interesting and complex situation. You go through life and make choices that have minor/major effects on everything around you. Some people make more wrong choices than right. I feel like I have made more right choices than wrong and have done my very best to live a responsible and steady life thus far. I am happy in my marriage, my job and my relationships with the people around me from day to day. Sometimes, it doesn't matter if you have made the right choices, the hard choices, or the best choices. Sometimes life decides to rough you up anyway; to scare you and humilate you in some form private or public.

I decided awhile ago to make a more active approach to living my life in a positive way. After going through the troublesome ordeal with our home modification and then being unemployed after graduation and living off of one income (by the way county employee does not mean good wages) I decided things can't get worse, unless I let them. Things started to fall into place; my home modification came through at the last moment after a year of heartache, I was offered a job that I love, I have experienced success in my career and have developed a more healthy and active lifestyle and along with it more social relationships. With all this positivity now being returned, you would think my life would be without major bumps. You would think wrong. While I won't go into my personal life details (I'd rather keep them private), I can assure you I am fine and will get through my situation with support from my husband. Sometimes I just don't understand the lesson I am supposed to learn by the curve balls of life. That makes it hard to accept when these curve balls smack me in the face!

Oh yeah, and if one more person tries to tell me, "oh it's God's plan and he is trying to help you. It will all work out." I will punch them. Just saying....first off it's presumptious to assume everyne believes what you do. Knock it off-it is a generic offering of comfort and I don't need generic anything. Sorry if that was considered offensive.

On another note-

With everyone blogging about relationships lately I was also inspired to do so. :)

I have had the same close relationships throughout most of my life.

me and Faith having martinis

Firstly, Faith Ann (yes Ann damn it) My rock and my biggest comfort in a friend and 'sister.' She has never judged me and always supported me and we have been friends for around 15 years and known each other for over 20 years. With only one 'fall out' fight on record due to my stubborness and her passiveness there is no one I feel closer to in this life-other than my husband, but in two different ways. I look up to her strength, security, intelligence and inner and outer beauty (the girl is gorgeous!). She is a phenomenal woman, mother, model and friend. I am so thankful to have her in my life. Where I have lost touch with many, she is one I never will. I just know I will be having wine and laughing with her when we are elderly ladies. This is something I take comfort in-always. It is hard having her on the other side of the country-I do enjoy all of the pictures and videos of her little one and it makes me thankful for technology.

Me and Jeff in Toronto

My husband. We have been together almost ten years and married for almost five. It has NEVER been easy-especially the early days. At this point in our relationship we are solid as a rock. I love him and know he supports me and loves me to full capacity! He makes me laugh and truly gets me. He understands what makes me tick and puts up with my crazy mood swings and emotions. I have so much fun with him and I will contintue to do so for the rest of our lives. He tries to comfort me and support me in all of my endeavors. He talks me down when I want to jump or he jumps with me and flies. He is compassionate and receptive and deserves an award. We have no secrets and support each other when things get rough.

My dog-I know people think that is weird, but it is a fact that having a bond with your dog can improve health. Unconditional love is such a powerful thing.

Brother and I with a tiny Anthony

My brother-though we do not agree on everything I know he cares about me and tries to understand me. We have had many memories growing up together. He is supportive and listens to my rants. Sometimes we have major disagreements about issues, but we can always over look these-eventually. :) I am so happy that he has not let distance ruin the close bond Jeff and I have with my nephew Anthony. He practically lived with us for over two years and it is so hard to believe he is 6 years old! I am also thankful that he finally found a woman that is worth a damn and that we get two more additions to the family along with her. Her and her children are now a part of this family and I am thankful for all of them. Mostly that I get to see them a few times year and they often call to chat, send videos or webcam.

Melissa (my sister-in-law) and I at the winery in Ohio

My brother-in-law Tim, me, and Jeff on my wedding day

My brother and sister in-law and their two boys as well. I can't believe how big they are-time passes very quickly and we wish we could get more chances to see them and talk, but life (yes that tricky life thing again) is sometimes just too busy. Time passes and with time changes occur.

Mom and I in the canyon

Dad and I with Blu dog ready for the game

My parents-supportive to a HUGE degree! I can't put it any other way. I love them and the opportunities they worked their tails off to provide for me. I truly don't know what I would ever do without them. I am a HUGE HUGE HUGE daddy's girl and love spending time with my dad. Whether it is grocery shopping, having coffee or watching football-I enjoy it all. My mom has taught me to be strong and to work hard to overcome challenges. She taught me to not back down to anyone when feeling threatened. She has taught me strength and will. She has taught me work ethic and how important it is to be myself-no matter what.

My friends and aquantainces I have met since living in the Kingman area-thanks for accepting me and taking time to give me a chance. Due to my slight lack of confidence, I am not comfortable in new friendships and social settings so I appreciate that I was able to make bonds here that aren't always perfect, but that work and without them I would go crazy. I have met people here that have big hearts and spirits and accept me and my odd qualities. :) Some of these friends are still here and some have moved back to where their roots are-all of them I am thankful for!

Relationships change over years. Friends and even family relationships are altered over time and cannot be maintained without work from both sides. I have learned that this is a part of life. I have also learned that all relationships are not the same and that is OK-they have different functions and purposes. Some blossom into more and other wither into less and some maintain their neutrality.

uhm, nevermind

Alright, here it goes. A synopsis of our San Fran trip.

You know what-I just don't feel like it. Maybe later.

environmentally religious and gay

Not sure what sparked this, but it was sparked so here it is. Once again not proofread.

Often times people ask me, "why are you a vegetarian?" Well, here it is.

Once upon a time a 13 year old girl had a few environmentally conscience friends.

As you may know, I was a very angsty teen and tried my hand at any non conformist actions available to me in my little world. Once I began researching how the animals are slaughtered and processed for sale, I decided it just wasn't an acceptable practice. I will spare you the details, they are available through numerous radical agencies if you are interested, just search. I knew my love and compassion for animals ran deeper than that of my domesticated friends. Then to learn that the meat packing industry is not only cruel and unusual, but the products they output are incredibly unfit to consume and the industry itself is a huge detriment to our atmosphere and o-zone, I decided to pass. I don't wear animal products, I don't eat them. I also don't tell others what to do with their bodies and lives. I accept that not everyone feels this way. I married a non-vegetarian and i love him. He does sacrifice how much meat he eats due to me being the main dinner cook. I appreciate that he is understanding of me, and does not try to change my beliefs, so I show him the same courtesy.

This mutual understanding and love for each other's belief systems brings me to this:

If everyone would understand that we are not all the same and that we are a diverse culture and society, we may not have so many problems. We as people tend to get so hung up on what people around us are doing or not doing. Before you judge someone for their personal morals, take a long look in the mirror and examine yourself. You may think someone's religion is an abomination and silly, but think of it as an outsider. How does your religion look to them? If we aren't killing or hurting each other because of our beliefs than is it really worth stirring up problems by telling someone what they believe is wrong and they should save themselves? If a churchlike institution works for you, it doesn't mean it works for everyone. The same goes both ways. For my athiests and agnostics-if you choose to not have a firm foundation in the existence of higher dieties, that is your choice. I don't think my pagan, christian, muslim, etc. people are crazy for believing there is. Leave them to their faith. The same principles go for sexuality and sexual preference. The way people act towards gay couples is like they feel they are trash hoarding bubonic plague victims. It is utterly disgusting. I know people that say they are not against gay and lesbian people, but they always have negative comments about them. I will be against gay unions when I learn that everytime a gay union happens, a natural disaster wipes out a village or a random person has a tragic accident. Seriously, these people believe in the true concept of love without boundaries-take notes. If we could all love our partners in life without boundaries, what amazing marriages we would have!

I just get so disappointed when I read about how hateful people are.

When I was growing up neighbors were saviors. My neighbors took note of our familily's misfortunes and made a gesture of support. My father had been laid off, locked out, and on strike with the steel union. I will never forget the way my neighbors pulled together to help us. I look around my neighborhood now and think, who are these people? I don't know, I don't care and it is truly sad. When I was living back east, this didn't happen. I grew up outside of the city and we took care of each other. When I moved out and moved into the city limits, I still saw how people took care of each other. When I moved here I noticed a change. I bought my house and the only one to come over and say hello, was a 70 something german woman down the street. Out in my parents community people still have that great neighborly outlook, but they are older. Is it a generational gap? I will be the first to say that I don't like neighbors, but this was not the case until we bought our house here in AZ. Well, there was one neighbor in our Youngstown, Ohio apt. that I hated too, but he broke in and stole my stuff.

Seriously, lets just agree to disagree, clean up after ourselves in life, and learn to be compassionate and accept the differences of our fellow humans.

No seriously, I do love my job. Really, I do.

apologizing in advance for typos-I hate proofreading. Before proceding on this blog post please note that I place no blame of the stresses associated with my job on any particular person or dept. It is the way it is-and we all have to deal with what is handed to us. I love the people I work with and work for and am thankful for those co-workers, classified and certified, that make my school a great place to work.
Just want to give some people a perspective on what it is to be a teacher.

Today was mostly good. The kids were decently behaved today, I had a pretty pleasant work day and a great time at zumba tonight. However, my stack of papers is growing and I hate grading so I avoid it like the plague. I have an entire weeks worth of papers to grade still. It is sad that I still have my last week's reading and spelling tests only half graded and we are taking this week's tests tomorrow. UGH!

I recently was asked by more than one person, "What do you do that you stay so late all the time?"

This job, for those that don't understand, is very demanding. We have a list of people to please on a daily basis that includes, but is not limited to; apprx. 28 students, their parents, their step parents or alternative families, our co-workers, our administration, academic services dept., speech dept proffessionals, reading coaches, district office reps...the list goes on. We are pulled every which way and expected to achieve high scores and work over time every week with out any pay. Then we have observers several times weekly taking notes on our procedures and management skills as well as the way we teach our content. We have to supply our own tools for our jobs which includes, file folders, manipulatives for math and lang arts, copy paper (occasionally), and numerous other odds and ends things that should be supplied for us! We share our kids with multiple departments and they spend half of their time in multiple classrooms with multiple people and when they do well we share the credit, but when they do poorly we take the burden on ourselves and it could cost us our jobs that we don't get paid much to do anyway. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but it gets trying dealing with the 'politics' of it all. We are constantly asked our opinions on matters that have already been decided upon mostly by people that have not been in a classroom in years or ever. We are told we have to have uninterrrupted amounts of lang arts time and then they pull random kids out for other services. They also tell us to push math now, and want to use our alotted 'uninterrupted' reading time for it...AAAHHHHHH make up your minds! Then we have papers to grade, lessons to plan, units to theme and just when we do it in the requested format-they change it. We are given programs and not trained on them. We are told to not teach to the test, but are looking at performance pay. We have weekends off-except that we don't. Oh, and summers-forget it! We stay at work to clean up our classrooms for a week after and go back to set them up several weeks early.
In short-teachers f'ing rock! Find one, hug them (or not, I am not a fan of close proximity with strangers) and thank them for their dedication. Then slip them a twenty-trust me, they need it.

nothing in particular

I enjoy having these three day weekends, but it is much harder to face work when I come back. I have enjoyed my weekend thus far, even though it has not been very busy or social. I do enjoy hanging out with Jeff though. I have caught up on laundry and light cleaning and both the Penguins and the Steelers kicked ass on Saturday. City of champions again...? YES! :) My Dad came over to watch the game which was really nice.
I spent most of today watching movies and checking out hotels for our trip to San Francisco in February. I hate making decisions and every hotel I check I over think all of the reviews and pricing. I love planning things, but I hate making final decisions. I am very excited to meet up with our Ohian firends when we get there. I have decided I really need to see some old and good friends lately. Then after our trip we are hoping to see more friends in March. Faith, Kyle and baby Elyse are possibly traveling out to see us then. I have my fingers crossed and my hopes high for that!
Let me start this part by saying, I love my job and the people I work with on a daily basis. They are helpful, reaasuring and kind. I have one of the most rewarding jobs there is, not monetarily, but emotionally. If it wasn't for this job I don't think I would make it in this town much longer. Jeff seems confident that he can get a job anywhere in the world, but I prefer a solid job with good benefits not just any job. When stable and decent jobs become available else where and this market begins an upward shift I see us seriously getting out of here. I don't know if I can start over again somewhere else, but I truly don't want to be here forever. The road ahead is uncertain and I hate uncertainty and change. However, sometimes I need it regardless of how much I protest. We have a few years left here at least, so it isn't a huge choice as of now, but I still find myself thinking about it.