nothing in particular

I enjoy having these three day weekends, but it is much harder to face work when I come back. I have enjoyed my weekend thus far, even though it has not been very busy or social. I do enjoy hanging out with Jeff though. I have caught up on laundry and light cleaning and both the Penguins and the Steelers kicked ass on Saturday. City of champions again...? YES! :) My Dad came over to watch the game which was really nice.
I spent most of today watching movies and checking out hotels for our trip to San Francisco in February. I hate making decisions and every hotel I check I over think all of the reviews and pricing. I love planning things, but I hate making final decisions. I am very excited to meet up with our Ohian firends when we get there. I have decided I really need to see some old and good friends lately. Then after our trip we are hoping to see more friends in March. Faith, Kyle and baby Elyse are possibly traveling out to see us then. I have my fingers crossed and my hopes high for that!
Let me start this part by saying, I love my job and the people I work with on a daily basis. They are helpful, reaasuring and kind. I have one of the most rewarding jobs there is, not monetarily, but emotionally. If it wasn't for this job I don't think I would make it in this town much longer. Jeff seems confident that he can get a job anywhere in the world, but I prefer a solid job with good benefits not just any job. When stable and decent jobs become available else where and this market begins an upward shift I see us seriously getting out of here. I don't know if I can start over again somewhere else, but I truly don't want to be here forever. The road ahead is uncertain and I hate uncertainty and change. However, sometimes I need it regardless of how much I protest. We have a few years left here at least, so it isn't a huge choice as of now, but I still find myself thinking about it.

Guess who's back? :)

Well, work has consumed me. I hate not being home, but I take so much pride in my classroom and in my job that most of the time I don't mind. I do mind not being around to see my husband more and make dinner. I also mind the fact that while my husband does clean up most times, the house needs more thorough cleanings and scrubs and it seldom gets them with both of us working etc. I have been cutting back my after school hours and making myself come home earlier (between 4-5) However, this has caused me to get a little behind on grading papers. I will go in Sunday morning to play catch up with my grade book and then hopefully I will be back on track! I was actually able to make a few meals-spicy mexican soup and chili rellano casserole. Both were delicious!
My class has been very exhausting lately. They have regressed big time! For the past week and a half it has been hell. My expectations are high, but they always have been. I have tried a few new strategies to shock their system, and today it finally seems to be slowly sinking in. Hoping by the end of next week things can be back to normal in the class again-just in time for holiday breaks.
My morning workouts have stopped and I have started gaining back some of the weight I had lost. 4am is just too much. Some days I just physically cannot get my head up. I did recently join the wellness center here and it is a great facility with great programs etc. So I am now paying for a membership which means I will force myself to use it!
We spent the past weekend in the Phoenix area and were able to take the dog with us to the hotel! It was such a great time! We went and saw the Penguins play the Coyotes and the game went into OT and a shootout! Pens won-which made it even better, of course. :)
My mortgage issues were mostly settled a few months back-now they are officially settled. No more 80/20 loan! A reduced principal and payment have finally been permanantly agreed upon and officially finalized! So I guess we will be here in Kingman awhile longer. At least we both have jobs here and more family is moving this way. It is still hard being far away from all of the people back 'home'. Now a good friend of mine is moving back to MI so I will have another friend in a far away land. :) I guess the upside is a new place to visit! I will be super sad to see her go, but very happy for her to be closer to her family and friends in MI. She has made a lasting and positive impact on me and it is great to have her as a friend, even if she is leaving me! As she would say, "RUDE!" haha-at least Jeff can visit Jake on his island. ;)
Thanksgiving is upon us. I know that the holidays are coming, because as I type this I am watching the movie Elf with Jeff. He starts watching this movie around this time of year every year and watches it at least 40 times before the new year comes around. I think between the two of us we can quote every single line in the film.
We have done Thanksgiving at our house since we moved here and bought our house, but this year it seems no one will be around to come over. It kinda sucks, since Thanksgiving is the hardest holiday for me to be away. I don't do Christmas, so my big family and friend holiday is Thanksgiving. I love fall-Halloween and Thanksgiving are my favorites! I love to cook fall foods and entertain and feed people. I miss the little traditions with friends and the big day at the brother and sister in laws with the family around and the kids.
Speaking of kids running around...
I still think often about my selfishness. My not wanting children and my husband wanting them makes me feel like the world's worst wife. I hope that it all works out in that area. :sigh:
I am looking forward to my brother's yearly holiday visit with Jess and the boys. They come visit every year and it is always so nice. Although their timing is a little off for us this year since we will not have much time off with them. They are coming before christmas this year instead of after, so it cuts my time short with them due to work. I will take what I can get though!
Well that about does it-maybe it won't take me so long to blog this time. :) Ah, life.

Well Amanda-here you go. :)

I had one reader, who shall remain nameless except that I put it in my title, that checks my blog frequently and was not happy with my lack of posting.

Well, things have been hectic to say the least.

I have been working in my classroom for the past four weeks trying to prepare for the first day of school. Stressing myself out to no end and trying to get my shit together. Spending money on my classroom and spending all of my time at the school has been stressful, but for the most part I was ready in time.

Meet the teacher night was Wednesday and I thought I might vomit on myself, however the vomiting didn't happen and I felt twelve times better once I didn't have time to think about being nervous with kids and parents parading in and out of my classroom chatting and asking questions. I have said it before and here it is again-I am so fortunate to be where I am with this job. I have had a ton of support at the school and from my friends, family and husband who has eaten nothing but hamburgers and hot dogs for a week straight. First off, the VP came down to the classroom and told me to come to his office and take as many books as I wanted for my classroom library. A parent donated some gently used books to the school and he thought of me and how I might need books for my personal collection to use with the kids. I felt so supported by this gesture and I appreciated it VERY MUCH! Second, my teacher friends, some of whom I teach with the others are from different schools, have offered me ideas and plans and help and words of wisdom. Then I have Amanda offering to cut my laminate! YAY! Not to mention her daughter that came in and begrudgingly put all of my books in the desks. What an awesome helper she was, even if she would rather have Mrs. Olli as a teacher than me. lol In this field support is needed from you peers and family and friends in order to be successful. You can't just be a good teacher and make it. You need support. At least I do.

The first day of school was fast! The kids came in and before I knew it they were leaving. Everyone went home on the right buses and that was that. I already know who my "difficult cases" will be and who will be my responsible ones. I am very nervous about starting my first full week of school and diving in to the curriculum head first. It should be interesting. Starting centers and reading chapters and math etc. I should be very busy for awhile. Thank goodness my husband understands this and doesn't mind eating mac-n-cheese for awhile. :) I wake up at 5:30 and do not get home until 5:00. I know this will eventually get better, but I feel like there is always so much that has to be done. I am constantly finding things that I could prep or organize. It will get better and easier, right?

I am finally a big girl with a big girl job and I don't know that I love it yet. I hate that I could possible face failure and that I am totally accountable for everything that takes place, or doesn't take place, in my classroom. I am anxious to see where my kids fall come testing time and who will be my high kids and my kids that need extra help. Hopefully all of my kids show progress. We shall see.

It has been a great summer; visiting family and friends back east, going to Canada, having parties here and going to and having cook outs with friends here in AZ, and family coming out to visit and spending time with them! Having Anthony is always great and then my brother came to stay with us as well and it was a blast. My cousin came out and we had a great time too. I am truly so fortunate to have had such an amazing turn of luck over the past few months. I have a good life; I can't complain. I do, but truly I shouldn't.

I think of how negative and depressed I was in high school and I just laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. I had a great upbringing and a great family. My friends have been few, but close and so supportive and important. There were times I staggered through darker places just to see what it was like. Odd what we do as teenagers when we are trying to find ourselves. I am so thankful for what I have. I can't believe I am an adult now and in my late twenties.

The children talk has come up again and sometimes I think maybe I would regret it, but I still don't think that children are for me. I just hope that Jeff doesn't regret it and feel hurt one day. I love him and do not want him to be resentful or sad later. He says he wi is fine with it, but I wonder sometimes.

Time to spend some time grocery shopping and cleaning, since I am never home during the week anymore to do it. I better get out my crock pot cookbook for Jeff so he doesn't have to have mac n cheese again. :)

looming shadows

I have come to terms with the fact I am not the nicest person a long, long time ago. This being said, "Hey you rude, pushy, selfish, attention whore-knock it off."

Wow that was liberating. At least I blogged it and didn't cause a situation, yay me! :)

Moving on.

I have been using this blog more lately which means one of two things: I feel the need to talk to myself more frequently or I am feeling down. I have a feeling it is a bit of both. You know I have nothing to feel down about lately, but when you battle that anxiety and darkness from adolescence it just seems to show up from time to time. So, I accept it. I don't like it, but I accept it.
Maybe it is surfacing, because I am missing 'home' (yes I just used the term 'home' to endear Youngstown, Ohio...crazy, eh?) or maybe it is my fear and anxiety about starting my real big girl job this year. I don't know, but it is hot and I'm moody and don't feel like dealing with your BS today people...outta my way! haha. No really. ;-)

I do get to spend some time with my nephew today, which is always good. We are going to go out to see him this evening for some late evening poolside fun. I don't ever have to worry about putting a bathing suit on in front of him, because he always thinks I look great! :) I love that kid.

I miss my Faith Ann (yes Ann, deal with it name changer!) We have been through so much together and I know through our arguements and disagreements (not that there is really too many of those) and life in general she is my rock and my foundation who has never judged me for being me. I could say the most ridiculous things, discuss personal issues and just be myself-good and bad-and she remains there, always. It is hard having her so far away.

OK I'm done-abruptly done.

I have a ton of stuff.

Well, I cleaned off my desk today and found out that I just cannot bring myself to get rid of certain things. Even though it literally pains me and stresses me out to have stuff all over the place. I have a ton of kindergarten and preschool stuff that I just can't part with. I also have a ton of pictures and thank you cards from the preschool I taught at in Ohio that I can't bear to part with. I am moving some stuff into my classroom next week, but the amount of stuff just doesn't seem to ever get smaller. I had the urge to throw everything away today, but once I actually got it to the trash I had a change of heart with some of it. Some of this stuff, as I have referred to it, is being donated to the Head Start program that I briefly worked for out here. The other stuff, well it is being creatively arranged to fit in the closet and in boxes. We are not planning any children, yet we have no room for us in a three bedroom home?!?! All of our combined stuff equals a ton of creative hiding and fake organizing.

That being said...

I don't know if anyone knows someone who collects these items or not, but here it goes...

As a little girl I collected Cherished Teddies figurines. I loved them! I saved up to buy them and requested certain ones for holidays from family members. I cataloged them and looked up the retired figurines and what they were worth. It gave me a sense of innocence and responsibility. Now they sit, by the hundreds, in boxes in my garage. I looked at what they might sell for on the internet and of course they are not worth anything like I had once imagined they would be. It pains me to part with them, but I just think it would free up so much room and make my husband very happy to have them out of his garage space. I want them to go to a good home with a little girl that will love them as much as I did and still do. It is like giving away a piece of my childhood that was happy and sweet in one nice quaint little box; make that twenty nice quaint little boxes. I guess I may not be entirely OK with the idea of giving them away just yet, but I know I shouldn't hold onto such material things as an adult, especially since they take up a ton of room. Anyway, just a thought I'm toying with.

It has finally caught up with us...living on one income for the summer. We are finally at the point of, "uh-oh time to get creative with the bill paying" for the summer since I have not had a paycheck since the first week of June. I am glad that our mortgage situation is taken care of and my student loans are being deferred until the consolidation process is completed. I am nervous about starting the new school year and knowing that I will need to buy items for my classroom. Oh well, the life of the middle class, blue collar couple. I am lucky to have a job at all and knowing I will soon be receiving a paycheck again is comforting. I am super antsy about getting in my classroom and checking it all out and cannot wait until Monday when I am able to do so.

Just a stress reliever blog about my clutter. :)

to kid or not to kid...? Still on my mind.

Although everyone is probably tired of hearing about this...I see more and more babies and pregnant people everywhere and since it has been the hot topic for me and Jeff I am still thinking about it. Mostly because of the guilt I feel.

Well Jeff and I have talked extensively about having children. I feel incredibly guilty for not wanting them when I thought that I wanted them before we were married. I feel like I am not allowed to change my mind so I need to justify every angle of why I do not want to have children. I know we would both make amazing parents, but I just don't feel it is what is right for me and my life. I know I shouldn't have to rationalize the reasons, but I do it all the time over and over again because of this guilt. Jeff is the victim in this decision, I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. I know he has told me he sometimes feels he wants them and sometimes does not, but I do not want him hating me ten years from now or carrying around misplaced anger. I am glad he is choosing to stay with me regardless of the child issue. I love him.

I changed my mind. Yes, I did. Part of me thinks-I am totally allowed to change my mind whenever I want! The other part thinks-wow I'm a total jerk for changing my mind-how dare I?

What I do know for sure is that I absolutely hate it when people make the assumption that since I am a married adult of a certain age I am going to surely want children and be trying any time now. Don't assume it people. Also, don't tell me that I just have to have kids-I have to, because you just think it is what I am supposed to do. Well hey when you want to raise my child financially and be my live in nanny and permanent babysitter-oh yeah and birth it-then you can tell me I just have to have a baby. F-that. Mind your own business and stop telling me what I have to do. This is a matter between my husband and I. If he is accepting this than you need to as well.

I will spare my long list of cons in the child bearing/raising dept. However Like I have stated before:

I LOVE children-being around them, teaching them and being an active Aunt to my nephews and new little niece. I like being the one who does all the fun stuff and then gives them back.

I do want to take this moment to show great appreciation and recognition to the amazing mothers that are in my life, including my own. I have so many friends that are amazing mothers. They are all beautiful, strong, loving and compassionate women. You rock ladies!

Will I regret it one day-maybe, but for now I am not that interested in the idea. I can't predict the future. If I could predict the future I'd be a millionaire, but I still wouldn't have kids. I might consider adoption-maybe. Maybe. I said maybe people.

I'm just incredibly thankful that my husband hasn't left me over this change of heart. I couldn't imagine life without him, but I know he has always wanted children. Like I said he has played with the idea of not having them recently, but I still think he would in a heartbeat if I wanted them. I just don't want him to have regrets in the future...I can't predict the future. He is amazing and I am so lucky that he accepts me and all my faults.

I am a huge fan of having dogs instead...lots of dogs. Right now we cannot expand our doggie family due to Blu having a case of the Cujo, however our future consists of travel, friends and family, and dogs.

Children are for people who can't have dogs. I heard that somewhere and I liked it. I think I may get it on a sign and hang it on my door.

The second part of our vacation blog...

...

We were able to spend time with Tim, Melissa and the boys as well. It seems like far too much time passes in between visits, but we enjoy every minute of our time together. We were able to wacth one of Gavin's baseball games before heading over to the campgrounds. He did a GREAT job and it was so cool to see him play. I loved cheering him on in the stands. We were also able to see my sister in law's sister who is also like family for us and her two boys who have also grown so so much. When we arrived at the camp ground Gavin taught me how to drive a golf cart, in the dark none the less. A very brave boy to take on that task! Then I enjoyed some time on the swing set with Melissa and Brycen and Gavin...well I thought it would be enjoyable. The company was great, but the swinging gave me nausea. Not like I remember it as a kid. It was just good to spend time talking and joking around with the boys. I still can't believe how big they are! Later that evening at the camp Jeff decided to drink 22 beers in the course of two-three hours, so that became entertaining. He was just goofy all night-cracked us all up actually. The next day I had a minor set back in my mental stability after speaking with my mortgage company-things were sorted out from what I understand, but it was a very frustrating conversation. Anyway, when we said our goodbyes to the family we headed back to Faith and Kyle's house before our party in the park. We reserved a cabin in Millcreek Park and invited all of our friends and family around to come join us for our last night in Youngstown. The turn out was great and we enjoyed being able to see everyone one more time before heading out the next day. We were even able to see some people that we hadn't been able to see yet on our trip which is always nice. Jared and Courtney, Kevin and Lisa, Jarrod, and Kenny and Melissa were among a few that we hadn't been able to spend time with that were able to make it out. Then Jeff decided to wife swap me for Melissa B. haha-I don't think it would fair trade-she is much more laid back than I! I guess you had to be there for that one. Tim, Melissa and the boys even surprised us by skipping Gavin's game to come out and see us. It was really great to see all of those people under one roof.

We left there and journeyed back to Columbus Ohio where we promised to go with the boys (Kaleb, Anthony and Karter) to an indoor water park before we had to leave. It was a blast! I cannot stress enough how amazing it is to see family and friends and how much I enjoyed this trip. This blog is not as detailed as my first edition since I am posting it so late, but words cannot express how great everything was. I did really miss my dog though. :)