A very long blog of our vacation so far

So the trip begins in Las Vegas.

I have been anticipating my trip back east for some time now. So far it has been more than fulfilling. Our vacation started in Las Vegas where we were able to meet with Amanda and Dustin for dinner and drinks at the Mirage. We enjoyed some fun times with them and headed back to our room for some rest before our early flight. Our flight was a nonstop flight into Columbus, Ohio. I was able to read the entire book Water for Elephants on the way; A sad, but amazing story of the lives of circus workers and life in general during the 1930’s era of traveling train circus acts. It documented the abuse of the workers and animals and also told a great love story. I highly recommend this book. On the way back I will indulge in the latest book from the Alex Cross series by James Patterson so I can finally discuss it with my Dad!

Back to vacation

We arrived In Columbus and we were met by Jess and Kaleb and Anthony. It was so amazing to see them and be greeted by family with hugs and smiles. We stayed in Newark at my brother’s house with his fiancé and the boys, Jess-Kaleb-Karter-Anthony. We were also sharing a space with the dogs, Jetta-Venus-Reign. It was so amazing to just sit back and absorb the family atmosphere and talk and play with the boys. Brother was more than accommodating and cooked up a storm. When we walked in the door he had already had dinner ready to go; stuffed rigatoni with homemade sauce and fresh pecorino romano cheese. I knew immediately that I was going to enjoy this trip! Delicious! During our trip Jess had finished her current semester of classes and ended her clinicals with amazing results! We drank to her accomplishments and had a great time chatting and playing family feud! Jess was hilarious and fall down drunk form one margarita! Did I mention I adore this girl? The next night was spent visiting with an amazing old friend and catching up on years passed. Jen is a childhood friend that I have known since I was pre kindergarten age. She was like a big sister to me growing up and a person I looked up to and still do. She is an amazing person with a great set of morals and values and I am so thankful that I was able to see her and catch up on life in general.

We soon began our trip in the rented Chevy HHR to Youngstown, Ohio. While making the three hour drive I began thinking about how far I have come and how much I have accomplished. I also thought of my friends and family. I miss them all of the time when I am away. I am SO thankful that my brother lets Anthony stay with us in the summer while he is still young enough to enjoy it. Soon he will be at the in between age where he will be bored. I am also very thankful that my brother takes time every year to drive down to visit with the entire crew around the holidays. I am so proud of him and his family. At the time I am typing this we have not yet had a real visit with my other family, brother Tim and sister Melissa and the boys Brycen and Gavin. I am anticipating our visit with them and the short time we saw them so far was shocked by how much the boys have grown. I can’t believe Brycen was only a toddler when Jeff and I started dating. I remember holding Gavin when he came home from the hospital. I held him for the first time on the couch like a child sitting and holding him nervously afraid he might break and using the couch to help me brace him; I was 19. They have grown into their own little people now and it seems like they should still be little kiddos to me.

Seeing Faith and Kyle and their daughter was such an experience for me. I can hardly believe my friend, who is very much my sister in this life, has her own beautiful daughter. I could have cried with happiness holding that little child. She is the essence of precious and I am so thankful to have been able to hold her and visit with Faith. The friendship and comfort of familiarity were much needed.

Jeff and I feel the same way about friends; we take them on as family and trust and care for one another in a family way. We do what we can for each other whenever we can and do not expect anything in return other than a mutual caring friendship. We have been very lucky to have such amazing friends far and near and to create new friendships in Arizona as well. There is nothing like reconnecting with old and loved friends and family members. It makes me appreciate life and where it has taken me and where it will lead me.

We stayed with Curt and Carla and had an amazing time as well. Jeff has been friends with Curt for more years than he can count and it was a great and overdue visit. We enjoyed a few games of bowling while drinking (the only way to really bowl) and competed in not the score of the game, but in rounds we titled with such things as “best grandma form,” “Best Moonwalk Down the Lane,” “Best Chicken dance Down the Lane,” “Best Gangsta Strut Down the Lane,” and “Best Split.” Great times and great pictures to come on FB. I enjoyed our time there with Curt and Carla and their family of four legged children.

Speaking of children…

Jeff and I have been talking about this topic a lot lately, mostly about adoption and other options. One of these options is to not have children at all. As surprised as I am that Jeff seriously considers this an option, I have realized I think I could be happy not having children. I love working and spending time with children and believe that Jeff and I would make great parents, but I also think I would be perfectly content as an Aunt and a teacher. If we do decide to have children I would much prefer adoption. While I know Jeff struggles with all of these options more than I do, he actual had a serious discussion with me involving not having children even though he would make an amazing father. Sometimes we feel that we would rather have dogs and enjoy our lives being able to travel during our time off and travel and spend time with each other and with our family in other states including spending more time being an active Aunt and Uncle to our slew of nephews and new niece. It would be great to see them more than every few years. We discussed how we love being with children, but really love our off time and giving them back. I know so many of our friends and family try to tell us that we need to have children and that we should have at least two and that we…blah blah blah. Our life; our decision. Just because we would make awesome parents and love children doesn’t mean we need to have one or five or however many. Children are not right for everyone. Maybe they aren’t for us. Fortunately we still have a few years to decide. We have time to think about our options and decide what we feel is best for us. We will take the time to decide what we want, but currently either not having children or adopting are my two personal favortie options. Time will tell.

We have enjoyed spending time with Faith and Kyle, Brother and crew, Bill and family, Kelly, The Wilson bunch, Jen, Curt and Carla, Chris and Jim and Jess; our short visit with Kenny at KIA and wish we could have seen him and Melissa. We wish we had more time to see more people. We are excited to see more family over the next two days as well. Vacation has been much needed and very enjoyable so far and there is more to come. The traveling Jackson circus in the HHR is on its way to the next destination-The Jackson’s in North Jackson. Keep an eye out, we may be coming to a town near you! We are hoping to make it back to Columbus at a decent time on Saturday. Hoping; fingers crossed. J Looking forward to our Friday afternoon/evening shin dig at the Old Log Cabin at Millcreek Park. 4-midnight! The last hurrah, for now!

***Currently spending time with Tim, Melissa, Brycen and Gavin out at the camp. I will post more on our time with them later. ***

Toronto

We left our friends and headed to Toronto Ontario, Canada. After our 6 hour drive we arrived at our amazing hotel that offered free wi/fi, fridge, microwave, coffee pot, breakfast and other amenities that helped us make a quick decision that 6 hours in a car deserved an extra night’s stay. So we immediately checked in and added a night to our stay. As pricey as Canada is to visit, we wanted to make the most of it and enjoy our trip while trying not to think about money. It has been hard, but I have the rest of my life to worry about finances. The room was not only fully loaded, but incredibly clean and comfortable. Toronto is a beautiful city that practices many ‘green’ techniques. There was actually a timer light system in the bathroom so that if you left the light on it would automatically shut off after 15 minutes. Since I normally follow people around and turn lights off behind them, I loved this! Locals were riding their bicycles around the city and there were recycling and conservation centers around the city. Lots of people walking and many of them with their canine companions; I could get used to this city! They have multiple recycling bins near every trash can as well as by crosswalks and along sidewalks making it easy to be green. They passed a law that requires the country to charge 5 cents per plastic bag at any shops, restaurants or retailers. Most people had their reusable bags ready and full. Canada is a beautiful country and I wish the USA would take a few pages from their book. The city was clean and quiet, yet rich with culture. We drove through little Italy, Little Portugal and China Town and all areas of downtown seemed to remain clean and lacked the typical pan handlers and homeless people that most big cities have.

The people throughout Ontario were incredibly friendly and very patient and helpful. It made me think about kindness more. Perhaps these people seemed to be in such a good mood, because everyone is pleasant to each other? I understand that this is not always the case, but I will say we were there for 3 days and 2 nights and every single Canadian we met was outwardly friendly and happy to help us if needed. This was a nice surprise since our time in Youngstown any establishment we went into the service was terrible and the people rude. Oh home…lol.

After check in we decided to get ready and go to dinner. We ate at an amazing Italian ristorante that had fantastic service and THE ABSOLUTE BEST Italian food I have ever put in my mouth. It was run by all Italians and everything was made from scratch on site. I had the gnocchi in a four cheese cream sauce with a few red peppers and mushrooms. We ordered the brushetta to start and we were both raving over all of the flavors that hit our tongues. It was so rich and flavorful I could have ordered just that-by the case. J After recovering from our amazing dinner experience we headed out to find the bar and restaurant Wayne Gretsky’s in downtown Toronto. We had our first experience with paying to park in Canada; everywhere in the city is pay to park. This first time we were only charged ten dollars. I thought that was bad until the next day when we spent thirty dollars at one place and then another twelve at the harbour. We had a few bottles of Molson Canadian and checked out all of Gretsky’s authentic memorabilia as well as a few of his trophies, pictures of his family and old junior league jerseys. He even has his own wine label (BONUS!). All of the proceeds from Gretsky Estate Vineyard go directly to his foundation to help children learn and partake in the sport of hockey. We followed the pathway upstairs to the rooftop terrace bar with patio couches, trees, lights and water fall. It was beautiful and relaxing up there. We walked around downtown for a while before deciding to head back to the room and unwind. I was so excited to have wi/fi! Communication with the world! I Posted a few of our many vacation pictures on Facebook. Oh yes and did I mention the awesome candy bars that are hard to find in the US? -Canada has ‘em! We indulged on Mars bars, Bounty, Wunderbar, and some other ones I can’t remember. J Mars is like a milky way and Bounty is pretty much a mounds bar. It was awesome anyway!

The next morning after breakfast we headed to “The Great Hall” – The Hockey Hall of Fame. It was the purpose behind our trip and it was worth every bit of money and travel time spent. I cannot say enough about the amazing exhibits on all of the historic inductees as well as the NHL Zone featuring memorabilia from today’s current players as well. I personally enjoyed the exhibits on Maurice ‘the rocket’ Richard, Guy Lafleur, Gretsky, Bobby Orr and, of course, Mario Lemieux among others. I learned quite a bit about historic hockey players and the history of the game and how it has evolved. It was truly educational for me and amazing. We were very fortunate, because the Stanley Cup Final had just ended a very short time ago and the new home of The Cup, Chicago, was not yet on display so we were able to view the Stanley Cup champion displays from last year which were the Pittsburgh Penguins! Seeing actual gear worn by the best players on the team during the finals last year was truly a wonderful experience. We also saw every medal from the Olympic games for hockey up to the late 90’s. It was great to see how the medals differed every year. We also viewed the trophy room where we were able to see all of the NHL Trophies before they were shipped off to the NHL Awards 2010 to be with their new owners and receive their new engravings. We entered the vault where the original Stanley Cup is housed and took pictures with the replica of the current cup. It was amazing to me that these trophies were actually held high by some of the best athletes in the sport and in the world.

After leaving the hall of fame we grabbed a bite to eat; I had an amazing falafel with hummus and fresh baked pita chips. Not only is Canada very green in practice, but it has a great respect for culture and for vegetarianism. Did I mention I love this country? Too bad it is a very pricey place to live and visit-taxes are high due to universal healthcare-I LOVE IT!

We headed to the harbour to catch a ride on a very large authentic sail boat. We sailed for an hour and a half on Lake Ontario and the day couldn’t have been better for sailing; Breezy and not hot or humid with decent cloud coverage. A beautiful day! I enjoyed a glass of cabernet while Jeff had a domestic, Sleeman’s I believe. We took in the view of the Toronto city sky line and enjoyed the day. Later we ate at a little bar down the street from our hotel and shared a pitcher of Canadian. I was so incredibly exhausted on this day-I think the trip just caught up with me. I almost didn’t go to eat I was just drained. Glad I did go to eat though. It was nice to share this experience with Jeff and now we can look back on our time there together.

All in all, our vacation home to Ohio has been an amazing trip and we still have a few days left. I will come home and be happy to see my dog and my house as well as my family and friends in Arizona, but not my scale. I have definitely gained a few pounds back and have been eating a lot of pasta and bread as well as sodium rich foods which have caused me to retain a bit of water and swell. Oh well, I will worry about it when I get back! I will hit the p90x for the second round and kick ass again! Haha.

Well my positive upswing seems to be lasting, which is a great thing, I typically tend to be negative. Since the news of keeping my home was delivered to me I have tried very hard to stay positive and love life more. For me this means trying my hardest not to stress and treating people, including myself, better. Staying healthy and being stronger both physically and emotionally has become more important to me. My husband and I are really working together and treating each other well, I am enjoying the time I have to speak with new and old friends and I am feeling OK again about living in this town that I am not all that keen on.
I have also received a job interview with the school district here in Kingman. I will update as to how that turns out. I don't want to get too excited until it is over and I have an answer as to if, where and when I will be employed there.
I find myself missing family still and friends far away. This is when I try to focus hard on this new found positivity in my life. It easy for me to become immersed in depression; for reasons or for none at all. I am focusing on my spirituality and will be performing a house blessing for my newly saved home to dispell any prior negativity that was found here and lingered. Keeping it uncluttered and clean helps me as well to stay less stressed and irritatable.
I am thankful for my husband and his ability to be so stable. I am thankful for new friends that I have made here that I can talk to and relate to. These things have been helpful in maintaining a positive mind set.

I am feeling like I grew up way too fast lately.

I feel like yesterday I was a rebellious teenager walking the halls of my high school. I am actually a late twenty-something with a home and a husband that uprooted myself to move a few thousand miles from the comfort of familiarity. We have been married for very close to four years and living here for almost the same.
My dearest oldest friends are having babies and my new and dear friends here are also having babies and adding to their families. It is so wild to me the idea of growing up.
I thought it was mind blowing when we were all moving away and making our own decisions to branch out to other cities and states. Then there was proposals and marriages and I thought, "this is huge." Now my best friend has had her first child; a beautiful baby girl, Elyse. All I think now is, "when did we grow up?"
I am feeling emotional and sentimental missing family and friends; it comes with the territory of moving to another time zone. I can't believe I couldn't be there for the pregnancy and to share this with her, but I plan on making up for it with spoiling her from afar.
My nephews are growing faster than weeds and it is also very hard for me to think of how much I have missed with them. I went from helping care for Anthony on a daily basis to - BOOM - he is five and starting kindergarten next year. I am very fortunate that I am able to see him at least twice a year though when he stays in summer and when my brother and his soon to be wife and the whole crew of kiddos makes their yearly trip out here to visit by car. I have the biggest time loss with my nephews Brycen and Gavin that I have gone the most time without seeing. Last time we were able to come for a visit I cried when I saw their picture on the wall. I went from seeing them almost everyday to every other year at best. They are older and therefore much busier with activities and life and are harder to track down and chat with. When Jeff and I started dating Brycen was just a toddler and Gavin - not on this planet yet. Some days it just hits me more than others. Now I have two more nephews to add to the family with Kaleb and Karter. I am finding myself missing them as well and look forward to seeing them on their visits here.
I am still not the most content in Kingman, but We have a home and friends here now and we also have jobs. Mine may not be the best job or the one I set out for, but it is a job working with children again. I hope to one day move somewhere different again, but for now I have some of my family close by and a place to call home that I love. I am fortunate enough to have my parents and two Aunts and Uncle close by including all of the family visitors that are here throughout the year. While we can't afford to travel right now and are finally getting things in order with our home, it is nice to have family close.
For now we are trying to prepare for the summer months when I am again without a paycheck and we must make it through almost three months. Oh the lives of the low-middle class. :) At least I have some kind of job. That is truly something to be thankful for!

I am woman, hear me roar!

It is always so hard to go back to work after taking time off. I just came back after a week of spring break and just keep thinking about summer break.

The real reason I write today is not about job stress, but about the stress of being a woman.

I will only have time for two of the many issues we as women are plagued with in our deepest darkest psyches.

Lets start with weight issues. No female in this world can look at their own body naked from multiple angles and say, "wow, my body is rockin' awesome! I am perfect!" If you think differently, you are a terrible liar.

This is the way we are programmed from the time we are children. Commercials, magazines, gender roles, social norms and peers drill into our minds that we must look and act accordingly to find happiness, wealth and prosperity in life and relationships.

I have battled back and forth over the years since adolescence with self image and body issues. What girl hasn't experienced this throughout their life?

"me" says the girl in the back...

"LIAR!" says I.

We partake in pills, creams, potions and surgeons in an attempt to correct all of our 'problems.' My husband asked me, "why can't you just be happy being healthy and stop worrying about your weight; I think your beautiful that is all that matters." While I thought about how sweet he was being and knowing that he should be the only one with an opinion about my image I also considered an answer to his inquiry.

Women can stop worrying about their body image when men stop buying, selling, viewing and admiring women that are the stereotypical 'perfect' woman. Start investing in big girl porn and admiring Lane Bryant catalogs and I will stop worrying about my image.

I have no issues with big girls, in fact I know a few who I envy for their beauty and personality, not one or the other. They are fun and don't give a F@#% about what anyone thinks. They have gorgeous features and intelligence. However, I know that being even 'average' in size for women can be depressing so I know that these women I find beautiful have moments of depression when examining their bodies in the mirror as well. That goes for celebrity envy as well. Think of the perfect celebrity female. I know that this person has self doubt and image issues and envies someone just as I envy her. I swear it is a sad world for us ladies!

I was thinking of this today when I found myself on the scale being mad at only losing 18 pounds and not 28. I couldn't be happy at the 18 pound weight loss I had to see more. Then I found myself criticizing my image in the mirror while wondering why I just can't lose the weight from the area I want to, instead of being happy that I lost it in the other places. So I will continue working out and never indulging in even the occasional guilty pleasure food until I see what I want to see. Of course I never will, because after 28 lbs will come the need for 35 and then 40 and so on.

I am woman hear me roar...at the scale.

Stressor number two: child birth.

I will leave you with a few random questions we women will ask ourselves and this should give you an insight into the stress. These questions go beyond the physical pain of child birth.

???

When is the right time to have a child? Am I still a real woman if I can't get pregnant? What if I am just not maternal? What if the baby is hurt while I am carrying? Does it make me less of a mother to adopt? Am I selfish for waiting? What if I can't deliver or there are complications? What about the pain? What if my significant other doesn't want children? What if I am single for another 10 years? Should I adopt or use fertilization if I am single in 10 years? What if I get postpartum depression, What about the money it takes to raise a child? What about stretch marks and weight gain? (ties into the previous stressor)

Seriously being a woman makes my head hurt. Ironically enough it also makes my back, sides, breasts, feet, neck, vagina and shoulders hurt too; at the very least once a month, but usually more.

Well we finally have it all figured out. Our modification is in the works and we are getting back on track. I have realized through this that it is time for a change.

As a result of all this madness I appreciate my home so much more. I have decided, with Jeff, that we need to stop putting off the 'to do' list for the house and start putting more work and love into our home.

Work and love are kinda expensive.

I purchased a new dining room table, four chairs, two bar stools, paint for the living room accent wall and I am in the process of hiring someone to refinish the stucco on the side of the house. We are also paying for a weeding service (in my anger of losing my home we let the weeds grow wild for the new owners-whoops) and landscaping the back yard. We are thinking of extending the patio and laying rock in the back yard. Our grand total - too much!

Thank you Visa!

I am still not a huge fan of the Kingman area, but I am thankful that we both have jobs here and that now we have a lower and affordable house payment. I am also thankful to have people here in this town that I can truly call friends. I have family here and more coming to town so I guess sticking around for awhile may not be so bad after all.

I still can't believe it is over. This whole house thing is over - finally! No more negativity for me!

I feel positive and more in touch with my spirituality through this whole ordeal. Strength and wisdom and sanity have been restored to me through all of these experiences and I thank 'them' for guiding me on my way.

WOW. What a day. I am in total disbelief.

We were set to move in to our rental and sign our lease with down payment on Monday. I have boxes at the house and was ready to start packing this weekend. I even had a last hurrah with the ladies last night to smell some candles and enjoy company in my home for the last time.

This morning I read my e-mail and things have changed on us once again. This time we actually have good news.

In my e-mail today I opened a letter from our a-hole mrtgage company. It stated that we have been approved for an in house modification plan direct through the company. This means that if we continue to make our modified payment on time for one year we will be back on track and be able to stay in our home. I e-mailed my Mom this morning

"What the fuck is this? Is it for real?"

It is. Although I have a hard time trusting it and don't want to get too excited yet, it is real.

Talk about timing.

One part of me wants to scream and yell, "Who the hell do these people think they are?" They put us through emotional hell and our family and even all of our friends that went on this ride with us. Our friends and family have been there through the whole process. They have given support and an ear to listen and a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. When we were denied repeatedly for modifications and our interest rate continued to raise over the past year beyond what we could afford these people were there with us.

As I stated in previous blogs, I am so thankful for them all. Family and friends. After this we all deserve a cookie! My brother for listening to me on my drunken anger rampages; my Mom for countless phone calls and paper work; my Dad for dealing with my foul mouth during this ordeal (not that he has any right to judge!); My husband who has been on this ride with me and dealt with my emotional insanity; and my friends both near and far, old and new, for being so supportive and amazing. We are truly lucky to know so many great people.

The other part of me wants to cry tears of joy and go on a major spending spree on things for our house. We have already discussed the landscaping, tile, stucco touch up and painting an accent wall in the living room. It's our house again and we can do whatever we want to it!

Everything is still sinking in for me. I have a hard time believing it is all real. After everything we have gone through this past year.

This economy is a great deal of trouble. Home owners and working class people losing their homes and jobs and money being cut for education and public services at the state level. This is ridiculous! I just dodged a bullet. I am one of the lucky ones.

Today is the day. We are 'showing' our house today to get approval from a rental agency. We need to be deemed worthy to rent from them. They are coming over to check out the condition of our current home and look for general damages associated with our dog. Luckily my dog does not cause damage. However, I am having a very hard time hosting someone in my house that is there to judge the way I live. Judge me to see if I am living up to their standards so I can rent a home that is not even on the same level as the one I am in. F-that.

I am still trying to cope with this.

I am now wondering what if something nicer opens up? What if we sign this rental agreement and then a fantastic rental home opens up and we miss it. I am also thinking, maybe some house pixies will magically give me my home back again.

I think I have hit the crazy stage of loss.

I know many people don't understand why losing a house means so much. After all, it's just a house right? Wrong. It's memories and a future. It's a sense of accomplishment and now a sense of failure. Failure is a fear of mine in all aspects of life. It hurts and I have to watch it in slow motion everyday until we move out and my failure sits here vacant.

I am so tired of these people blaming the homeowners for the economy and for what is going on with the millions of foreclosures. People that are not in this situation, have no idea what it is like. Some people did buy a home without the means to keep it. To those people shame on you and the lender that granted you a loan. For others, like myself and Jeff, we could keep it until the mortgage companies became desperate with greed.

The stimulus plan is a joke when it comes to housing. It helps you with an affordable payment for up to five years and then everything goes back to the way it was. That is IF, IF, you are approved. Where as once the banks would lose money on foreclosures, now they have been bailed out and receive money based on need which is determined by foreclosures.

:sigh:

I better prepare for my inspection.